Tag: d/s

house-of-crows:

also… while we’re on the topic “the sub is in control” is a fucking LIE and I am so god damned sick of it.

The entire of point of a D/s relationship is that the Dominant leads and the submissive follows. If the sub is the one “in control” guess what honey they aren’t submissive and they sure as heck aren’t SUBMITTING to anything. What they are doing is pretending to submit and jerking themselves off to the idea of “ooohhhh they’re in control I’m just a dirty useless lil subby ohhhh use me~ (exactly how I say, when I say, and stop the second it’s not fun anymore because I matter more than you gimme what I want~)”

That’s not D/s. That’s some bedroom/dungeon roleplay with a dominant/bossy bottom and a submissive top. Also known as Topping From The Bottom.

A D/s relationship happens when adults decide together that hey, I like things better when you’re in charge and as long as these boundaries are upheld, I’m good with following your lead. It’s a relationship agreement. A dynamic. A structure that informs how the relationship is going to work.

And if you have an issue with that…? Well, you can either bring it up to your Dominant in a respectful way that acknowledges that agreement you consented to, or you can leave. Unless part of that agreement is that you cannot leave, unless they release you. (Yes there are people who do this, yes it is consensual, no it does not automatically imply abuse.) 

Because you see kiddos, these are ADULTS. People who put on their big kid underwear every morning and UPHOLD THEIR AGREEMENTS the way they SAID THEY WERE GOING TO. Instead of looking for loopholes and ways to wiggle out of it and make their partners’ life a living hell because “I’m not being catered too every moment you must hate me waaaahhhhh.” 

Being a submissive is NOT being chained to the bed 24/7 for constant sex. It’s scrubbing the bathroom when you’d rather be reading. It’s cleaning the fridge and the inside of the oven and pulling it out to sweep behind. It’s making sure you know how They take Their coffee and doing your best to get it to them every morning. It’s following the rules YOU AGREED TO FOLLOW no matter what you’re feeling because submissive != Subby Feels. And shit needs to be done regardless of whether you’re feeling omg super subby omg step on me daddy~

And you know why we uphold those agreements…? Because we discuss everything BEFOREHAND instead of ASSUMING that our partner[s] know what we want when we want it. Because MIND READERS only exist in summer movies about superheroes and NOT in real life CHILDREN~ And if you want a partner who gives you what you want, YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING HONEST ABOUT IT OH MY FUCKING GOD IT IS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD~

If you have a problem with something, you speak up. Respectfully. They have the authority and power YOU gave them. If you made a bad choice well sweetie pick fucking better next time and don’t jump into 24/7 D/s with someone YOU HAVE ONLY KNOWN THREE FUCKING WEEKS OH MY GOD.

This is why we discuss what definitions we have for things. This is why we spend months getting to know someone. This is why we spend YEARS in a dynamic before anyone gets a collar. This is why. THIS. Right fucking here. THIS is why people who have been in this don’t just play with anyone. THIS is why we stop going to parties. THIS is why the people in long term relationships who don’t give a fuck for your politicking and inter-group cliquish high school BULL. SHIT. stay home. 

Because we know what goes into this fuckery, and we’re not interested in adding even more crap to our lives. We live it. We do it, on a regular god damned basis. And we’re mature enough to acknowledge that regret isn’t the same thing as abuse. We’re responsible for our part in things, and the choices we make. If we go in and we don’t know the risks that my dears IS ON US. 

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You want to hand all your power over to someone you just met, get ready to meet the consequences. You might not like what you find. Which, darling, is why Adult Relationships Are For Adults.

fierceawakening:

shippingisnotactivism:

alakazamryn:

shippingisnotactivism:

elisamaza:

shippingisnotactivism:

shippingisnotactivism:

“I can’t believe that it’s xyz year and people still think vanilla privilege is a thing”

Idrk how to tell you this, but people can lose their kids and jobs and be disowned from their families and go to fucking jail in some places, because they are kinky.

Guess what, if you don’t have to worry about that over your sex life, than yeah, that’s fucking privilege

And that’s not even touching on the fact that vanilla people don’t have to worry about seeing their sex lives represented in the media, without them being treated like they must be mentally ill to enjoy their kinks, criminals, or the butt of the joke.

i think people have yet to understand what privilege means. it doesn’t always mean you benefit from it somehow—it can just mean that “hey you won’t experience this type of oppression, ever”

there are ppl that think “hey where’s my special treatment for having vanilla sex???”

the special treatment is the absence of being treated like a criminal, shitwad.

And just generally being accepted by society at large and not having to justify your existence or feel scared to tell people that you have “normal” sex.

To some extent I understand the argument that vanillas are called boring for being vanilla and feeling pressured into stuff they are uncomfortable with, but that’s not really the issue of kinky people trying to gain acceptance, it’s the issue of abusers using the language of sex positivity to shame people into agreeing to do something they don’t really want to do. But that’s no different then being pressured into sex in any other situation.

bruh what am I reading

Hey, if you didn’t know about any of this you could ask and/or do some research on your own, but if your reaction to being told that kinky people experience oppression is to make fun of us, you’re just an asshole.

I’m open to the idea that “vanilla privilege doesn’t exist” if the claim is “the crap people get for being kinky sucks, but doesn’t rise to the level of oppression.”

However, I really want someone making that claim to tell me, specifically, what counts as oppression and what doesn’t, such that it’s clear approximately where the line is and I can reason for myself that fearing police raids, etc. is under it.

Funnily, I’ve never gotten an answer. Not from radfems in the WordPress days, not from SJ kids here on Tumblr, not from anyone.

So uhhhh…. parents can lose their kids for being kinky. people have lost jobs for being kinky. people have been arrested for it…. like I’m sorry how is legislating my sex life NOT oppressive??

What It Is That We Do is illegal in most of the states, and is being heavily legislated in other countries. (FFS just look at UK law on this it is TERRIFYING.) And then, when you’ve done that, go back to the beginning of “mainstream” kink in the post-WW2/Vietnam era and remember how those gay vets were treated yeah? Maybe remember how our bars were raided by the police, people were dragged off in handcuffs for being gay AND for being kinky, and remember that the intersection between the two has always existed in this country… 

And that, now, with the divergence between the “Queer” kink community and the “Pansexual” (read: Hetero) kink community, there might be less correlation, but there’s still a correlation between “Queer” and “Kinky” and until our bedrooms stop being the topic of governmental debate; beyond the age of consent and what constitutes rape; we are still being oppressed.

lenyberry:

fierceawakening:

androgynousblackbox:

failure-artist:

nonbinarypastels:

truly one of the most annoying things in ‘kink critical’ and ‘anti kink’ discourse is the often repeated line “uwu it’s okay to have kinks as long as you think critically about them!!”

because while this is good advice in general, as thinking critically about your kinks and why you’re into the things you’re into can be incredibly informative and downright interesting to do (and fun to discuss with safe people, even), the people who say this line in this discourse are pretty much never coming from a place of good faith.

this line is almost always stated with

  • a – the implication or blatant assertion that the person with the kinks has literally never taken a moment to think about them before swerfy mcradfem someone came around to tell them they needed to do so (something that’s not true in my experience or in the experiences of most of the kinky people i know – people don’t generally go X number of years getting turned on by spankings or tentacles or whatever and never once ask themself, “hmm, what’s up with that?”)
  • and b – that once you DO finally think about your kinks for the first time in your life you will immediately realize that “yikes, that’s so gross! i’m a terrible person! how did i never realize that before? time to go back to holding hands in the dark for five minutes at a time and then pray to god for forgiveness for having skin to skin contact with someone without a chaperone”

this lack of good faith (the fact that the “it’s okay to have kinks” part of this line is a lie) becomes immediately obvious the instant you tell these people that you’ve already thought critically about your kinks, come to the conclusion that they’re not harming anyone and there’s nothing wrong with them or you, and you have no interest in changing, and they immediately begin speaking over you – telling you that you’re in denial or brainwashed – and deny everything you’re saying about your own experience while they assert that they know your own mind and desires better than you do.

or, basically: they gaslight the fuck out of you.

when they say “it’s okay to have kinks as long as you think critically about them”, what they actually mean is “you’ve clearly never thought about why your kinks are nasty and why you should feel bad about them to any degree but as soon as you do you’ll realize how bad they are and stop—and if you don’t do this or claim you’ve already thought about your kinks, you must be lying or too brainwashed to realize the truth: kink is inherently immoral, unethical, and it’s impossible to have them while being a good and happy person”

and that’s today’s hot take

“examine why you like” is a “polite” way of saying “don’t like this”

I honestly have never met a single kinky person who didn’t had at least a idea or theory into why they were into X thing and realized by their own accord “as long I am not shitty about it, it’s fine.” The people who don’t seem to do this and consider it part of some “natural order” (for example, straight male doms or straight female dommes that believe in the indisputable superiority of one gender over another) are, well, shitty and not at all the majority in kinky circles.

I have never met a single person who has examined why they’re vanilla

I, uh, did that thing. And ended up coming up with “wow, actually I’m *not* vanilla I just had repressed this kink really fucking hard because [reasons I don’t really wanna get into right here right now]”. 

(obligatory disclaimer that I don’t mean to imply that vanilla people in general are just repressed kinksters, I’m just talking about a personal experience which other people may or may not relate to)

There are certain things to examine, definitely… like why someone would equate male=dominant and female=submission and ne’er the twain shall switch. Certain fetishes play to that, like male crossdressers who specifically want to be humiliated for being feminine or wanting to wear feminine things. Playing with social shame is one thing, holding that belief while a WOMAN humiliates you for looking feminine is the kind of cognitive dissonance I just cannot wrap my head around and might be worth looking into to at least think “huh, IS this gender essentialism or do I actually want to be shamed for something else? Like not putting in enough effort, or being pretty enough, or something different than male=dominant and I’m not-that, so Shame.” 

Also things like “I am attracted to extreme forms of XYZ kink and I wonder what this says about me as a person” which no sadist I have ever met has NOT thought. 

But this is more an issue I have specifically with the Het/”Pan” community and less the Queer kink community. Not because the Queer Kink community is somehow “better” it’s just that in this particular instance, we tend to have already examined social mores like gender essentialism whereas people in the Het/”Pan” community tend to not and just take it for granted. (I see this really really badly with the spanko and bedroom-only D/s crowds.) 

*Also when I refer to Het/”Pan” I’m referring to the heterosexual splinter community that formed post-1980s when “The Hets” started exploring kink spaces more frequently and realized hey we sort of need our own space because we’re not welcome here. (Here being the Gay Leather scene.) Post-that, sometime around the era that Fetlife came to be, they started to realize hey we’re kinda exclusionary and maybe we should fix that by being “The Pansexual Community.” Which tbh, reads IRL like “We’re het but we don’t mind if you aren’t… so long as you don’t expect us to play with you.” People still have massive issues with accepting trans people, using the right pronouns, and dealing with protocols that are set in the Gay Leather mode instead of the Het/”Pan” community’s. 

Pursuant to that, many trans, gay, bi, and Queer folks don’t really feel welcome in Het/”Pan” spaces but also don’t realize the Queer Kink Scene is a thing that exists. Mostly because we’re still doing house parties and campground nights instead of being in the dungeon down on 6th in the industrial district where the “pans” hang out. (Is it clear yet that they aren’t actually pansexual people? That it’s literally hets just relabeling something to LOOK accepting? Because this doesn’t have anything to do with orientation it’s literally just that.)

further House phrases:

Desire Doesn’t Dictate Morality and Content Isn’t Context

Meaning 1: Just because you desire a thing, doesn’t mean you’ll act on the desire. Your morality isn’t dictated by what you’re into, and what you’re “into” doesn’t dictate your standard of ethics or your ability to act in ethical ways. 

Meaning 2: One might infer the content of a piece from its context, but not vice versa. Attraction to the content is one thing, understanding of the context is another.

Thoughts on Vacation

I’ve been in Minnesota ever since the 15th. I won’t be coming back to Texas until the 1st. In the midst of all the travel, the anxiety over little things like meeting my love’s family and friends, and fitting myself into his world, there is love and tenderness and beauty. A sweet, warming balance to be found in the tangle of multiplicity.

I’ve made it my mission this trip to spoil my sweet elskede as far as my Sir-given budget allows. To improve where I can, and create good memories where I cannot. To make quality time, and to just SPEND time. To replace the worn out, to offer the never-had, and make a gift of my presence. In return, he’s been spoiling me as well. Allowing me in, opening his space and his life to me, inviting me deeper into his world. It’s been an awakening of sorts, and a homecoming as well. Where love is, I am Home.

Today, though, after two days riot and ramble in Minneapolis and a week of workdays and one sweet weekend… my beloved boyfriend is having a rough day at work. He can’t come home early of course, and I can’t really go to him either. So all I can do is prepare the way with dinner and a clean space, and wait to soothe and appreciate him when he comes home, because this is where I am present right now.

Meanwhile, back in Texas, Sir is having a good day. We teased and flirted as we do, my beautiful, ever-loving Sadist, and He asked me to be ready to prepare something for a Cultural Potluck at His work when I return home again. I made some suggestions, He made His pick of them, and so we are decided. But, at this distance and for another week away… I want to do something special for Him as well. And so He responded with love and pride when I told Him I wanted to spoil Him with something new He’s been wanting. Received my offer with joy and pleasure, and still. And still, He told me to go ahead and spoil my boy first instead of waiting for Him to choose.

Sweetness and happiness in my presence, anticipation and joy to come in my absence.

For all its complications and the snarl of its existence, my life has expanded, not contracted. I am so, so terribly blessed to have these men in my life. To be offered such precious delight in my presence after so many months apart, and delight and pleasure in my service…. even at a distance.
For all I sometimes feel as though I am caught between two sides of a dual nature, today I find myself in harmony and balance, and it is beautiful.

Blessed, and Twice-Blessed, and healing from the wounds of my past. Time, care, compassion, dedication, and service make it so.
Where there is Love, there I am Home.

Blessed Solstice, my friends.

lenyberry:

house-of-crows:

lenyberry:

fierceawakening:

ayanasartstuff replied to your post “who all keep on blocking me fpsosjgodf…”

Yep. And I seriously wonder about people who don’t realize that even the most vanilla loving soft sweet sex can leave a person worked up and wound up enough that they’d need coaxing down. Hell, I need quote unquote “aftercare” from going to a concert because of how music effects me!

yeah, so much of bdsm care stuff is handy in SO MANY SITUATIONS like i don’t even get this crap

There’s a REASON why “cuddling after sex” is a Thing. Lots of people do it because it’s great for calming down after doing a thing that got you worked up! If you had an orgasm, you had an adrenaline spike. You can obviously have adrenaline spikes without orgasms, but you can’t have orgasms without adrenaline spikes. Similarly, “smoking after sex” is a Thing for the same reasons that a lot of people who smoke, will smoke more when they’re more stressed or will particularly want a smoke break to calm down after an adrenaline-raising experience of a less pleasurable nature. And falling asleep after sex is a side effect of being in a horizontal position and relaxed when the adrenaline crash hits.

Not everyone needs the same things out of post-sex experiences all the time, and BDSM aftercare sometimes includes more specific stuff to alleviating the lingering physical discomforts that can come from a scene, but… fucking hell. 

I’m not kinky. I’ve still hit “drop” and spent approximately ten minutes sobbing uncontrollably after a round of entirely vanilla sex (missionary position and everything). Which I thoroughly enjoyed and enthusiastically consented to, btw. Because I’d had a lot of built-up emotional stress that I’d been suppressing, having an orgasm spiked my adrenaline, and that broke the dam that was holding it all back. After checking that I wasn’t crying from being upset or in pain because of something he’d done unknowingly, my boyfriend just got me tissues, put on the kettle for some herbal tea, asked if I wanted to talk about anything, then snuggled me until I got it all out of my system. That’s aftercare. No kink necessary.

Just most people who aren’t kinky don’t think to define it as such, they just do it anyway because it’s The Thing That’s Done and also they like doing it even if they don’t fully understand why it’s such a Thing.

Ok, as a kinky person, I would like to tactfully point out, that Cuddling isn’t the be-all end-all of aftercare…? Like. I get why and how it’s become the stereotype, or even the norm in a lot of local scenes. But I also personally know bottoms, subs, AND SLAVES, who want nothing to do with physical contact post-scene and it’s not because they feel traumatized. One lady requests a cup of tea and to be left in peace for about fifteen minutes; because her drop is fairly peaceful and she finds it more relaxing to sit quietly and meditate on the experience and bring it back to her Master.

Another would rather get a massage from his partner, because Rope is intense and painful and a gentle massage works the knots out of his muscles better than just sitting in one place for them to lock up further. 

Some people would rather have sex after and THAT is their Aftercare. 

I know one Sadomasochist and one-time-slave who views it as “Afterpandering” and won’t cuddle as a bottom OR a Top, because “This is supposed to be fun, and if you can’t handle yourself, we won’t be playing together.” Which, as she’s stated many times, she tells all potential playmates and it’s written all over her profiles.

I’m one of those who doesn’t mind some hair petting when I’m the bottom, but I’d rather put my head in my Sir’s lap and discuss the scene at length and debrief about the emotional repercussions, the technical aspects, and how my body is responding because I have permanent injuries that often play up during a scene. {Particularly if we’re Dancing. I’ll explain if you care-} I really only want intense snuggling if we we’re doing heavy psychological play, and I had an emotional/physical release. Collapse, crying, body shakes, or even a full blown panic attack or flashback…. cuz I’ve got PTSD~

As a Top and a Sadist, I really only want to cuddle if it’s clear my bottom wants it. I’m fine being nurturing and attentive, and I enjoy it if they are. But if they’d rather sit quietly to come back on their own, or have a cup of tea, or listen to music with headphones in the corner, or anything other than touch…. I’m ok with that. I’ll eventually need to be dropped back into a submissive mindset anyway because my primary relationship is a 24/7 Authority Exchange, but generally I can find my way on my own. {All it usually takes is being told to kneel, and sometimes to kiss His feet. Super soothing mentally, and I usually get hair pets~}

WARNING: Frank sex talk ahead:

 Since sex for Sir and I often gets a little psychological and plays with a lot of D/s and objectification themes, we’ll lay beside each other in bed and either talk, or I’ll do some light body worship, or something similar because 1: it’s too damn hot in the South to be snuggling in the summer, 2: we’re generally all sweaty and that’s Ew, and 3: we were just all over each other so why….? Though again, if it was a bit Much, I get head petting and praise~ And that’s enough for a lot of people.

That’s a good addition! 

I didn’t mean to imply that cuddling is ALL there is to aftercare, rather to point out that it at least can very easily qualify as such, and that non-kinky people do aftercare-qualifying things after vanilla sex all the time, they just think of it as “what we do after sex” instead of naming it. To the point that some of them are romance-fic tropes, like having a cuddle and/or a cigarette. And also that vanilla sex can be intense enough to trigger emotional release such that someone ends up requiring obvious aftercare, too.

And yeah, trust people to know what they need when they tell you how they’d prefer to be cared for. In general, not just in BDSM contexts.

I didn’t take it as you implying that! Just saying, there’s an even broader world that those types are ignoring in their rush to villainize “bdsm is evil cuz they make you pay for snuggles with pain.” 

lenyberry:

fierceawakening:

ayanasartstuff replied to your post “who all keep on blocking me fpsosjgodf…”

Yep. And I seriously wonder about people who don’t realize that even the most vanilla loving soft sweet sex can leave a person worked up and wound up enough that they’d need coaxing down. Hell, I need quote unquote “aftercare” from going to a concert because of how music effects me!

yeah, so much of bdsm care stuff is handy in SO MANY SITUATIONS like i don’t even get this crap

There’s a REASON why “cuddling after sex” is a Thing. Lots of people do it because it’s great for calming down after doing a thing that got you worked up! If you had an orgasm, you had an adrenaline spike. You can obviously have adrenaline spikes without orgasms, but you can’t have orgasms without adrenaline spikes. Similarly, “smoking after sex” is a Thing for the same reasons that a lot of people who smoke, will smoke more when they’re more stressed or will particularly want a smoke break to calm down after an adrenaline-raising experience of a less pleasurable nature. And falling asleep after sex is a side effect of being in a horizontal position and relaxed when the adrenaline crash hits.

Not everyone needs the same things out of post-sex experiences all the time, and BDSM aftercare sometimes includes more specific stuff to alleviating the lingering physical discomforts that can come from a scene, but… fucking hell. 

I’m not kinky. I’ve still hit “drop” and spent approximately ten minutes sobbing uncontrollably after a round of entirely vanilla sex (missionary position and everything). Which I thoroughly enjoyed and enthusiastically consented to, btw. Because I’d had a lot of built-up emotional stress that I’d been suppressing, having an orgasm spiked my adrenaline, and that broke the dam that was holding it all back. After checking that I wasn’t crying from being upset or in pain because of something he’d done unknowingly, my boyfriend just got me tissues, put on the kettle for some herbal tea, asked if I wanted to talk about anything, then snuggled me until I got it all out of my system. That’s aftercare. No kink necessary.

Just most people who aren’t kinky don’t think to define it as such, they just do it anyway because it’s The Thing That’s Done and also they like doing it even if they don’t fully understand why it’s such a Thing.

Ok, as a kinky person, I would like to tactfully point out, that Cuddling isn’t the be-all end-all of aftercare…? Like. I get why and how it’s become the stereotype, or even the norm in a lot of local scenes. But I also personally know bottoms, subs, AND SLAVES, who want nothing to do with physical contact post-scene and it’s not because they feel traumatized. One lady requests a cup of tea and to be left in peace for about fifteen minutes; because her drop is fairly peaceful and she finds it more relaxing to sit quietly and meditate on the experience and bring it back to her Master.

Another would rather get a massage from his partner, because Rope is intense and painful and a gentle massage works the knots out of his muscles better than just sitting in one place for them to lock up further. 

Some people would rather have sex after and THAT is their Aftercare. 

I know one Sadomasochist and one-time-slave who views it as “Afterpandering” and won’t cuddle as a bottom OR a Top, because “This is supposed to be fun, and if you can’t handle yourself, we won’t be playing together.” Which, as she’s stated many times, she tells all potential playmates and it’s written all over her profiles.

I’m one of those who doesn’t mind some hair petting when I’m the bottom, but I’d rather put my head in my Sir’s lap and discuss the scene at length and debrief about the emotional repercussions, the technical aspects, and how my body is responding because I have permanent injuries that often play up during a scene. {Particularly if we’re Dancing. I’ll explain if you care-} I really only want intense snuggling if we we’re doing heavy psychological play, and I had an emotional/physical release. Collapse, crying, body shakes, or even a full blown panic attack or flashback…. cuz I’ve got PTSD~

As a Top and a Sadist, I really only want to cuddle if it’s clear my bottom wants it. I’m fine being nurturing and attentive, and I enjoy it if they are. But if they’d rather sit quietly to come back on their own, or have a cup of tea, or listen to music with headphones in the corner, or anything other than touch…. I’m ok with that. I’ll eventually need to be dropped back into a submissive mindset anyway because my primary relationship is a 24/7 Authority Exchange, but generally I can find my way on my own. {All it usually takes is being told to kneel, and sometimes to kiss His feet. Super soothing mentally, and I usually get hair pets~}

WARNING: Frank sex talk ahead:

 Since sex for Sir and I often gets a little psychological and plays with a lot of D/s and objectification themes, we’ll lay beside each other in bed and either talk, or I’ll do some light body worship, or something similar because 1: it’s too damn hot in the South to be snuggling in the summer, 2: we’re generally all sweaty and that’s Ew, and 3: we were just all over each other so why….? Though again, if it was a bit Much, I get head petting and praise~ And that’s enough for a lot of people.

Signs of a fantastic Dom

faesari-bdsm:

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

  1. They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went
  2. They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE
  3. Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)
  4. They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive
  5. Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).
  6. They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.
  7. They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)
  8. They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.
  9. When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements
  10. They respect your hard limits. Doms know hard limits don’t mean “convince me”. They know to stay the fuck away from hard limits with a ten foot freaking pole.

I’m only agreeing with this on a provisional basis, just because 3 and 7….
Some people really DO NOT DO “after pandering.” Some bottoms would rather a cup of tea and to be left completely alone. Some would rather go be with friends and not do aftercare at all. Adults are capable of making their own decisions, and sugar + two hours of cuddling isn’t always on the table. Nor do I particularly agree that if you Top someone you automatically owe them check ins weeks down the line. Once a day or four after the scene to make sure there’s no sudden injuries or weird emotional upheaval? SURE~ But months down the line, that’s your issue; and/or your therapist’s. Someone who Topped you at that party that one time, not so much. If you’veg got that many issues, don’t play headgames as pick up play.

As for seven….that’s true in most instances, yes, but there are some people for whom the discomfort of “no secrets” and the NEED to NOT have secrets is more important; and that goes for Dom and sub. Personally, I’d never expect it of someone I’m Dominant of, but as a submissive… hell, I’m open to @almightyalmighty getting a microchip implanted so He always knows where I am, just because weird shit has happened to me before. 

Now granted, I’m NOT everyone nor am I even particularly the norm…. but when “privacy” comes up, sometimes I cringe a bit, because it feels like I’m being told I’m being abused. Even when I’m the one who pushed for it.

Everything else seems to be spot-on tho.