So uhh… if you think doing an actual honest-to-gods kink scene in a public parking lot; even at night; is just A-OK, I really don’t think you’re practicing “risk aware consensual kink.”

That’s risky as fuck, and with so much of what we do being actually honest-to-gods ILLEGAL… I sure as fuck wouldn’t trust your risk assessment. Especially not since you proudly claim you’re going to be looking for other ways and other locations to keep on doing the risky business of full-on take down scenes. with rope. that look like a kidnapping in progress.

There’s risk, and there’s blatant stupidity. And quite frankly… you’re being stupid as fuck.

shippingisnotactivism:

alakazamryn:

shippingisnotactivism:

elisamaza:

shippingisnotactivism:

shippingisnotactivism:

“I can’t believe that it’s xyz year and people still think vanilla privilege is a thing”

Idrk how to tell you this, but people can lose their kids and jobs and be disowned from their families and go to fucking jail in some places, because they are kinky.

Guess what, if you don’t have to worry about that over your sex life, than yeah, that’s fucking privilege

And that’s not even touching on the fact that vanilla people don’t have to worry about seeing their sex lives represented in the media, without them being treated like they must be mentally ill to enjoy their kinks, criminals, or the butt of the joke.

i think people have yet to understand what privilege means. it doesn’t always mean you benefit from it somehow—it can just mean that “hey you won’t experience this type of oppression, ever”

there are ppl that think “hey where’s my special treatment for having vanilla sex???”

the special treatment is the absence of being treated like a criminal, shitwad.

And just generally being accepted by society at large and not having to justify your existence or feel scared to tell people that you have “normal” sex.

To some extent I understand the argument that vanillas are called boring for being vanilla and feeling pressured into stuff they are uncomfortable with, but that’s not really the issue of kinky people trying to gain acceptance, it’s the issue of abusers using the language of sex positivity to shame people into agreeing to do something they don’t really want to do. But that’s no different then being pressured into sex in any other situation.

bruh what am I reading

Hey, if you didn’t know about any of this you could ask and/or do some research on your own, but if your reaction to being told that kinky people experience oppression is to make fun of us, you’re just an asshole.

I’m open to the idea that “vanilla privilege doesn’t exist” if the claim is “the crap people get for being kinky sucks, but doesn’t rise to the level of oppression.”

However, I really want someone making that claim to tell me, specifically, what counts as oppression and what doesn’t, such that it’s clear approximately where the line is and I can reason for myself that fearing police raids, etc. is under it.

Funnily, I’ve never gotten an answer. Not from radfems in the WordPress days, not from SJ kids here on Tumblr, not from anyone.

So uhhhh…. parents can lose their kids for being kinky. people have lost jobs for being kinky. people have been arrested for it…. like I’m sorry how is legislating my sex life NOT oppressive??

What It Is That We Do is illegal in most of the states, and is being heavily legislated in other countries. (FFS just look at UK law on this it is TERRIFYING.) And then, when you’ve done that, go back to the beginning of “mainstream” kink in the post-WW2/Vietnam era and remember how those gay vets were treated yeah? Maybe remember how our bars were raided by the police, people were dragged off in handcuffs for being gay AND for being kinky, and remember that the intersection between the two has always existed in this country…

And that, now, with the divergence between the “Queer” kink community and the “Pansexual” (read: Hetero) kink community, there might be less correlation, but there’s still a correlation between “Queer” and “Kinky” and until our bedrooms stop being the topic of governmental debate; beyond the age of consent and what constitutes rape; we are still being oppressed.

I used to be and (im sure im) still anti-kink but i want to change! I want to be a better, more open-minded, more inclusive person. The thing is, I dont know how can I unlearn that kinks that involve emotional/physical harm is okay. I have the biggest problem with bdsm. Could you please help me a bit? Do you have tags about this? Some websites i can learn from? Blogs here or on other sites? Thank you for your time. Have a nice day!

lenyberry:

xenoqueer:

@morbidly-queerious and @fierceawakening are quite involved in the politics of kink.

Here’s a link to kink discussions and analyses on my own blog.

The journal of positive sexuality (a peer reviewed journal about the psychology of sexuality) discusses kink from time to time, but tends to look at it through a sociological rather than a personal lens, for obvious reasons.

If you can grab a copy, I’m assured that The Color of Kink: Black Women, BDSM, and Pornography, is an excellent resource on this subject as well, as it is deeply detailed, contains a wealth of first hand experiences, and discusses the ways that physical pain can be empowering to marginalized peoples when we choose it for ourselves. However, I have never read it, so I’m afraid I can’t give it a full seal of approval or anything.

Anon, it might help to think of comparisons to things that you find clearly ok.

Do you feel like it’s ok for a person to choose to put themselves in pain by going to the gym and doing a workout that leaves them with sore muscles? Do you feel like it’s ok for them to enjoy that soreness afterwards?

Do you feel like it’s ok for a person to enjoy reading stories that evoke emotional reactions of sadness? To love a book that makes them cry?

Do you feel like it’s ok for a person to choose to risk serious bodily harm by playing sports or engaging in activities such as skydiving?

If those things are all ok for you, then consider:

What’s the difference, to you, between feeling satisfaction from the pain of a hard workout and feeling satisfaction from the pain of receiving a consensual spanking? Between enjoying reading a book that evokes tears, and enjoying participating in a roleplay scene that does the same? Between risking physical harm playing football or jumping out of an airplane for an adrenaline rush, and taking similar risks with BDSM play?

What makes the above listed things acceptable to you, but consensual kink not?

Is that a distinction that actually makes sense to draw, or is it based on some vague icky feeling about “deviant” sexual behaviors? Is it, maybe, the idea that someone’s actually *getting off* that makes it seem bad and wrong, and not actually concerns about safety and the risk of harm; is it maybe not really about pain and tears but about sex?

This is all a thought exercise, you don’t have to answer. It’s a process I find useful for walking through things I feel negatively about but suspect that the negative feelings stem from Social Bullshit I’ve been indoctrinated with rather than actual sense, just questioning why is this thing bad if this other similar thing is ok.

Hey Anon. Real life kinky person here, there are discussions and posts about kink tagged on my blog. As someone who engages in the darker side of psychological play and D/s dynamics with one of my Partners, if you have questions about some of those kinks, you can feel free to message me.

Some explanations and stuff after the cut.

I like Sadomasochistic behavior for the same reasons other people enjoy super spicy food, horror movies, and bungee jumping. I’m a wimp when it comes to spice, I don’t enjoy horror movies, and taking my life in my hands doesn’t seem safe. On the other hand, someone I trust implicitly using floggers I watched Him make with loving, careful, exacting Craftsmanship…? Oh that’s NICE. Like a deep tissue massage it warms the skin and prepares me for whatever He decides comes next.

I like knowing I can trust Him to craft a scene we’ll both find enjoyable, even if in the moment it’s painful and scary. Going through that together binds us closer, and in many ways it’s just as pleasurable as it is painful. I enjoy submitting to the pain, even though my instincts tell me not to. I enjoy the inner battle with myself and proving I’m stronger than I give myself credit for being.

Of course it hurts! But it hurts in the same way that sparring hurts, or really rough, good sex hurts. Because the endorphin rush after is just the same as any other adrenaline-pumping activity. It can leave you feeling giddy, exhausted, emotionally drained… and yes, sometimes that emotional release means you cry. But my Partner is there to catch me, and our after-scene debriefing time gives me space to tell Him what I liked, what I didn’t, and where He can push me further next time.

I’m going to use a REALLY EXTREME example to illustrate this point. We play with things I’m actually triggered by. We engage with my PTSD. We both have and had reservations about that play style, and what it meant for the relationship. That’s why we both put in a year of research into the pitfalls and potential issues before even DISCUSSING the scene. And then we brought our independent research to each other and said “Here are the pros and cons, these are the risks, where is the circle of acceptable risk? What can we potentially get away with, and what happens if it all goes wrong?”

Because we’re responsible adults. We engage with this, in this way, because of our relationship style. He leads, I follow. I need the structure that sort of relationship provides, and He needs the control. That authority exchange is happening between consenting adults, who understand what it means because we TALKED about it and explained our definitions before we began.

So far, we’re a statistical anomaly. We tend not to engage with my triggers that way unless we’re already in a good space in our relationship, with enough free time to handle the pitfalls. (Like at the start of a three or four day weekend, with plenty of time to talk. Not mid-week when I’ll be alone for the next three days, all day.)

I still don’t recommend that play style, even though it’s worked out well for us the four times we’ve tried it. Especially not to newbies, because it’s something you should only engage in after knowing your triggers, why they exist, and how they affect you. Exposure therapy and anything equating it should only be undertaken by a Medical Professional… but. That’s why it doesn’t fall under any of the acronyms like

Risk Aware Consensual Kink. I’m aware of the risks but is my Partner?

Personally Responsible, Informed, Consensual Kink? Well maybe. I’m putting MYSELF in this position by agreeing to this, I know the risks and I’m still consenting, and they’re in the same boat. But this isn’t just a nice heavy flogging where I might have a few welts or light bruising that’ll disappear in a few days…

Balls Out, Risky Kink? Oh yeah. Definitely. Potentially retraumatizing myself for the opportunity to have an orchestrated breakdown mid-scene before reliving my past because Dat Endorphin Rush Tho? Oh yeah~ That seems about right. Let’s go with that.

Particularly since it’s not really of the Safe Sane Consensual type of kink because let’s be honest, no kink is actually safe. Even fuzzy handcuffs can cut off circulation, and the silk rope you buy at the sex shop can get collapsed knots you have to cut off because it won’t untie easily. (That’s why you use cotton, nylon, or natural fiber like Jute or Hemp. It’s not safe, but it’s SAFER and that’s the distinction here.) Edge play; play that toes the line of what is acceptable, or considered ‘safe’; isn’t inherently better or worse than other play styles. But it is different, and it demands personal responsibility. If you don’t disclose something to your Top, and something goes wrong because of it…? You share responsibility with them, because it’s on you to be honest. (”Hey I have a trigger about whips”, and you go to a known whip Top for play without telling them? Don’t DO That!)

I’ve got a feeling that you’re coming at this from the place a lot of vanilla-leaning people are. That kink is automatically abusive because a man in control of a female bodied person is abusive. That you cannot consent to assault. That anything that LOOKS like abuse MUST BE abuse, because well, who could or would consent to bruising or some of the things we get up to?

Well, with consent, anything adults get up to together is, well, consensual. That encompasses everything from slow, gentle lovemaking sort of sex; that honest to Gods just cannot get me off; to bruises and boot kissing. Different strokes for different folks, as they say.

Some people really enjoy the sensation of fear, some people have violation or molestation fantasies that they can only explore with another consenting adult. Sometimes, you really just want to turn your brain off and act like a cute puppy for an hour or two, be stroked and loved on, and get hand-fed treats. Sometimes, nothing sounds better than getting the crap smacked out of you, until you’re crying, because nothing else can make you and you’ve been bottling your emotions and you need a release to be able to talk about what’s bothering you.

Sometimes, you want to know your partner stills cares enough to give you what you need. Sometimes, that thing isn’t a night on the town, but it IS a nice long spanking until you’re wiggling and red and sore, and then to be held and told you did well. And then taken out for ice cream because ice cream is amazing.

MLM for Women and Other Bedroom Fantasies

This came up in a group very recently and I’ve been trying to formulate something that’s simultaneously witty and informative. I probably landed on “seems salty” again, but hey~ Who else but House-of-Crows to bring the salt in this tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic way? My goal is an eyeroll and “ok yeah sure…. hmm but also you have a point there.” The same responses I’ve tried to get with my now-retired Clue X Four series. Anyway, I stand by what I say in forums and I wanted to enlarge on my post and yeah ok, up the snark a bit because questions like these give me hives.

Query: I’ve been fantasizing about gay men and being the female cream in their male Oreo cookie. Is this a thing that happens and how would I make it happen? Isn’t that objectifying and fetishizing them and should I feel bad? Help.

Oh boy. And off we go~

1. Do Gay men ever want to be with women?

If we wanted to be with women, honey, we wouldn’t be gay. We’d be bi, pan, or homo/heteroflexible. Gay is a monosexual thing; unless it’s being used as a label because something else is too hard to explain. (See also: Queer)

2. Does this mean that I’m objectifying/fetishizing them?

TL;DR: Yes.
Long Version:
Yes, probably, but in the same way that women who read and write gay romances as a way of processing their own sexuality are objectifying and fetishizing mlm. The issue isn’t the writing and fantasizing, it’s the involving real people in those fantasies and expecting real life to conform to those expectations. It’s what leads to people demanding that Dean/Castiel become canon; I’d want the same thing but for different reasons; and berating content creators for their ships not becoming canon.

It’s what leads to people thinking that gay people are pure and innocent and that we blush over holding hands and kisses on the cheek and all we ever do is cuddle because “pure bab uwu” infantilization. It’s what shoves flower crowns and pastels down the throats of transmen and why so many of us identify as “boy” for so long… as soon as we’re not a safe soft boy anymore we’re an Evil Manperson but that’s another post for another day~

Personally, while I think people can write or read whatever their +black little hears desire, I’m also all for being self-critical and self-aware and using those tools to understand what and how our desires drive us. Fantasize about whatever you want, but when you try to translate it into reality, don’t treat people like fetish dispensers. The question isn’t “am I attracted to these people and these things?” Because you already know the answer. The question is “are they attracted to me and what do I have to offer them other than just sex?” Because, to be honest, asking someone to involve not only themselves but their partner with a third person is tricky already. Trying to get people who aren’t even interested in women involved is going to be harder. Finding a couple who are both interested in you at the same time and also into sharing and also have compatible kinks? Good luck honey, that’s why they call it unicorn hunting.

3. Is there a name for this?

Uh yeah. “gay best friends with benefits” or “fantasy that’s probably unattainable.”
On a less tongue-in-cheek note, yes a MFM threesome would be what you’re looking for. Also speaking from experience, do some stretching first if you plan on attempting double penetration; whether vaginal/anal, or both in one. It’s also difficult as hell to maneuver; yes even with one partner and a toy; and porn only makes it look easy. But it’s made to look easy on purpose… to fuel the fantasy. So your stretching should also be literal, not just sexual. Maybe do a little flexibility training if you can.

4. How does one go about finding such men that might be open to such a thing?

Most vagina-having people don’t considering that gay means you don’t want to involve yourself with women. Other gay men would go to gay swinger clubs; where to be frank, even transmen are at a disadvantage. (Since gay men, they like the penis. 😉 ) I would suggest that you search instead for bisexual, pansexual, or homo/heteroflexible men who are into sharing or swinging specifically.

I’d advise against just asking gay or male-loving-men you know to jump into bed with you. I’d also advise against bringing it up in a first conversation. I’ve done writings before on the subject of kink as Gift Giving, and asking people to give you something while offering nothing or very little in return. Kink is a time sink, and even Tops get drop. Be aware of what you’re asking and of whom, and try to tailor your requests to their interests.

You wouldn’t go to a sexual Top for nonsexual play, what would they get from it? You wouldn’t go to an Edge Player for bunny floggers and fuzzy handcuffs, what’s there to interest them? You wouldn’t go to someone who’d honed their skills in one specific area for YEARS only to ignore that kink entirely when you approached them, because it’s disrespectful to their skills and their desires as a person. (Barring those who of course enjoy playing to levels and teaching new people. But knowing who those people are is part of this process.)

So take a breath, do a bit of self-examining, and think about why you want the thing. Then figure out what you have to offer in return and go unicorn hunting. Good luck, you’re going to need it.

+side note: it may not be obvious, but I’m quoting QotD here. “Black” as in “corrupted by desire” which is obviously a rather troublesome term as desire can and is healthy and natural. But, again, I’m being sarcastic here in an attempt to be funny, similar to how Lestat acted throughout the book and movie. If that didn’t land, I apologize in advance. We can talk about colorization and terms Re: That, at some other point. I probably agree with you.

lenyberry:

fierceawakening:

androgynousblackbox:

failure-artist:

nonbinarypastels:

truly one of the most annoying things in ‘kink critical’ and ‘anti kink’ discourse is the often repeated line “uwu it’s okay to have kinks as long as you think critically about them!!”

because while this is good advice in general, as thinking critically about your kinks and why you’re into the things you’re into can be incredibly informative and downright interesting to do (and fun to discuss with safe people, even), the people who say this line in this discourse are pretty much never coming from a place of good faith.

this line is almost always stated with

a – the implication or blatant assertion that the person with the kinks has literally never taken a moment to think about them before ~~swerfy mcradfem~~ someone came around to tell them they needed to do so (something that’s not true in my experience or in the experiences of most of the kinky people i know – people don’t generally go X number of years getting turned on by spankings or tentacles or whatever and never once ask themself, “hmm, what’s up with that?”)

and b – that once you DO finally think about your kinks for the first time in your life you will immediately realize that “yikes, that’s so gross! i’m a terrible person! how did i never realize that before? time to go back to holding hands in the dark for five minutes at a time and then pray to god for forgiveness for having skin to skin contact with someone without a chaperone”

this lack of good faith (the fact that the “it’s okay to have kinks” part of this line is a lie) becomes immediately obvious the instant you tell these people that you’ve already thought critically about your kinks, come to the conclusion that they’re not harming anyone and there’s nothing wrong with them or you, and you have no interest in changing, and they immediately begin speaking over you – telling you that you’re in denial or brainwashed – and deny everything you’re saying about your own experience while they assert that they know your own mind and desires better than you do.

or, basically: they gaslight the fuck out of you.

when they say “it’s okay to have kinks as long as you think critically about them”, what they actually mean is “you’ve clearly never thought about why your kinks are nasty and why you should feel bad about them to any degree but as soon as you do you’ll realize how bad they are and stop—and if you don’t do this or claim you’ve already thought about your kinks, you must be lying or too brainwashed to realize the truth: kink is inherently immoral, unethical, and it’s impossible to have them while being a good and happy person”

and that’s today’s hot take

“examine why you like” is a “polite” way of saying “don’t like this”

I honestly have never met a single kinky person who didn’t had at least a idea or theory into why they were into X thing and realized by their own accord “as long I am not shitty about it, it’s fine.” The people who don’t seem to do this and consider it part of some “natural order” (for example, straight male doms or straight female dommes that believe in the indisputable superiority of one gender over another) are, well, shitty and not at all the majority in kinky circles.

I have never met a single person who has examined why they’re vanilla

I, uh, did that thing. And ended up coming up with “wow, actually I’m *not* vanilla I just had repressed this kink really fucking hard because [reasons I don’t really wanna get into right here right now]”.

(obligatory disclaimer that I don’t mean to imply that vanilla people in general are just repressed kinksters, I’m just talking about a personal experience which other people may or may not relate to)

There are certain things to examine, definitely… like why someone would equate male=dominant and female=submission and ne’er the twain shall switch. Certain fetishes play to that, like male crossdressers who specifically want to be humiliated for being feminine or wanting to wear feminine things. Playing with social shame is one thing, holding that belief while a WOMAN humiliates you for looking feminine is the kind of cognitive dissonance I just cannot wrap my head around and might be worth looking into to at least think “huh, IS this gender essentialism or do I actually want to be shamed for something else? Like not putting in enough effort, or being pretty enough, or something different than male=dominant and I’m not-that, so Shame.”

Also things like “I am attracted to extreme forms of XYZ kink and I wonder what this says about me as a person” which no sadist I have ever met has NOT thought.

But this is more an issue I have specifically with the Het/”Pan” community and less the Queer kink community. Not because the Queer Kink community is somehow “better” it’s just that in this particular instance, we tend to have already examined social mores like gender essentialism whereas people in the Het/”Pan” community tend to not and just take it for granted. (I see this really really badly with the spanko and bedroom-only D/s crowds.)

*Also when I refer to Het/”Pan” I’m referring to the heterosexual splinter community that formed post-1980s when “The Hets” started exploring kink spaces more frequently and realized hey we sort of need our own space because we’re not welcome here. (Here being the Gay Leather scene.) Post-that, sometime around the era that Fetlife came to be, they started to realize hey we’re kinda exclusionary and maybe we should fix that by being “The Pansexual Community.” Which tbh, reads IRL like “We’re het but we don’t mind if you aren’t… so long as you don’t expect us to play with you.” People still have massive issues with accepting trans people, using the right pronouns, and dealing with protocols that are set in the Gay Leather mode instead of the Het/”Pan” community’s.

Pursuant to that, many trans, gay, bi, and Queer folks don’t really feel welcome in Het/”Pan” spaces but also don’t realize the Queer Kink Scene is a thing that exists. Mostly because we’re still doing house parties and campground nights instead of being in the dungeon down on 6th in the industrial district where the “pans” hang out. (Is it clear yet that they aren’t actually pansexual people? That it’s literally hets just relabeling something to LOOK accepting? Because this doesn’t have anything to do with orientation it’s literally just that.)

hazel2468

@house-of-crows was just wondering if you could clarify what you mean by “het/‘pansexual’” in your post?

The context is literally in the post, if you read it! I am specifically referring to the division of the Kink “community” and spaces within that community, not equating heterosexual and pansexual as I’m SURE you’re thinking right now~ Not even close. So, this is gonna get long~

“when even the het/”pansexual” (read: we’re straight but you can show up if you’re not, just don’t expect us to like it) scene recognized that they were co-opting a Queer thing. Recognized where our roots were all tangled up in post-WWII and Vietnam-era queerness.”

In short: The Heterosexual Kink Community; that CALLS itself Pansexual but doesn’t actually do much of anything to cater to non-hets except make a bare-bones attempt at pandering; is different than the Gay/Queer Kink Community.

The long-ass version:
The Kink scene is functionally divided into a few different spaces within the “BDSM Community.~” Queer/Gay Leather (incl Leather Dykes their name not mine), Het/Pan Leather, Kinksters/Hedonists/Only Got One Kink types, TPE/24/7/Lifestylers, Spankos, AB/DL, CGL, Sadomasochists, and the Edge Players. (There’s more but most functionally fit within those spaces.)

When this shit began, it was basically homosexual WWII-era/Vietnam-era vets coming home and realizing “Oh shit, I don’t fit into the Upper Class Gays society and I miss the regimented lifestyle and camaraderie I had with my Fellow Gays in the military. Well shit~” So they got a bunch of cheap surplus motorcycles, wore the leather gear they already had, and started clubs for That Gay Shit. (Also in direct opposition to the stereotype that all Homosexuals were limp-wristed socialites who watched operas and did dinner parties.)

Then sometime between the 60s and the 80s, the “Hets” got involved. Which, functionally, means everyone and anyone who wasn’t Queer somehow and also into sadomasochistic shit or in general, Rough Sex. At the time, the idea was functionally “We’re already gonna get arrested just for liking the same sex as us, might as well get freaky with it.” And then other people wanted in on that action.

Us being us, and them being them, we didn’t mix so great all that often. There were protocols in place and certain etiquette that just went with the territory that Certain Elements didn’t want to abide by; specifically because they didn’t face NEARLY the same social stigma as Those Queers Over There.

So for the most part, communities split. And we had Those Queers over there, Hetero Leather Folk over here, and then we kinda splintered along kink lines not orientation lines. Thing is, the “Het” community now calls itself the “pansexual community” because they want to be “inclusive” not understanding or realizing that the Queer Kink community is and has been going strong this entire time.

There are people in the world who still understand that, and aren’t trying to make out that they’re the founders and pioneers of This Kinky Shit We Do. I enjoy sharing space with them and hanging out together. It’s great! People who acknowledge the intersection of Gay/Queer and Leather history are NEAT!

So it can be neat to share spaces, and there’s something to be said for it. But. Personally, I’m always going to prefer Queer play spaces. Especially Gay Leather spaces because they tend not to pander to the newbies, the vanilla looky-loos, and “kink tourists” the way the “pansexual” community does.
If I want to get strung up from a hardpoint, beaten black and blue, and have gay slurs rasped in my ear while I’m reminded what I’m good for, other gay men are the ones who tend to be cool with that. Not the Hets and/or “pansexual” crowd down at the local “dungeon.” Since, yanno, they think they have to make the space “welcoming” by sterilizing it of anything ACTUALLY dirty, raunchy, or straight-up filth. (which isn’t just offensive to the edge players, it’s offensive to the newbs too. If they can’t handle it, they shouldn’t BE here. Go get a cookie in the other room instead of going to the dungeon monitor any time you see something that’s “problematic~” as if that’s not why we’re here to begin with, Karen.)

I’m not into fur-covered paddles and fuzzy handcuffs. Nothing against people who are, but we require diametrically opposed environments. I don’t mind that since, for the most part, the Het/”Pansexual” crowd thinks they’re making space for us.

Which…. no. Not really. With the advent of Fetlife, the Het/”Pansexual” community tends to think they’re the only game in town, when our clubs, bars, and house parties are and have been going strong while they brat and act out as “consent” for a spanking. Not into that, never have been into it, and I don’t need to be in order to have a good time. They can and I support their right to do as they please… but I don’t want OR need a seat at that table, thanks.

I’m fine in spaces that cater to Edge Players in general, and Queer Edge Players in particular.

further House phrases:

Desire Doesn’t Dictate Morality and Content Isn’t Context

Meaning 1: Just because you desire a thing, doesn’t mean you’ll act on the desire. Your morality isn’t dictated by what you’re into, and what you’re “into” doesn’t dictate your standard of ethics or your ability to act in ethical ways.

Meaning 2: One might infer the content of a piece from its context, but not vice versa. Attraction to the content is one thing, understanding of the context is another.

*With the knowledge and consent of the bottom

Not every scene requires aftercare, and not all aftercare is cuddles and kisses for a fucking hour, children.

(Further) thoughts on vacation

I’m home now, and basking in the dubious affection of two demon-hellspawn cats and reminiscing about my trip to Minnesota… in order, more or less:

Hotels have thin walls. We’re lucky we were placed near to the pool, and that there were very few people on our side of the hotel. It was a glorious reunion, and I’d forgotten how good Bucca’s calimari can be. Yes, even if they are tiny baby squid.

The Mall of America is even bigger; and smaller; than I remember it being as a child. I still ate the mini corndogs with relish and enjoyed every minute of spoiling my sweet boy.

Kilts are Awesome…. maaaaaaaybe just not in Texas Heat. Unless it’s canvas/denim.

I cannot get a leather top hat back to Texas safely…. and definitely not for $225. No. No matter HOW awesome they look.

Hamburgers are great, but so are loaded fries. Choose appropriately.

I still have a thing for sun dresses because they are cool when everything else is hot.
Pursuant to that, a dress is a tunic is a robe… just wear it. It’s comfy.

Flogging him was even more fun than imagined. Even better that I got whimpers and twitches instead of screams…. thin hotel walls~ Imagine!

The Midwest has some of the best god damned scenery… holy FUCK does it have some of the best god damned scenery. HELLOOOOOO Minnesota!

Smaller toy companies are amazing. I wanted to buy the entire store, I left with lunch and a burning desire for a certain steel cuff. (It’s stamped with ‘my’ constellation. C’mon!)

Heat Exhaustion is a dangerous thing… ask for what you need, or risk cutting the happy vacation time pathetically short. (Ry got an AC unit before I went up, and we camped out in the living room a total of three nights out of 17, three were spent in hotels)

His cat loves me! This is amazing… ow, ow ow…. tongue like sandpaper and rocks… ow… THIS IS STILL AWESOME… ow~ aww, she’s so… cute~

Snacks and rain is a hell of a combination. Especially when it comes after an uncomfortabel night. The next two weeks were almost all fair weather with rain and a breeze, except for a few afternoons we got heat advisories. SO NICE~

Coffee is good. Coffee with donuts is even better.

Yoga on a super cushy half-inch mat in front of a bay window while it rains, the windows are open to the breeze, and your favorite playlist is playing is divine.

His cat is truly beautiful…. damn it I wish she’d sit in my lap.

I can make truly good food with only a few ingredients if I’m not burning to death slowly~ (‘fried’ chicken with stirfry veggies and rice noodles~)

Even laundry day can be fun and goofy. I like partners who can make the boring pretty awesome!

A&W is better than a remember. Holy shit is it better than I remember!

HOLY FUCKBALLS MINNESOTA IS BEAUTIFUL~

Holy shit MINNESOTA HAS BEAUTIFUL HOUSES~ WHY are they all subdivided into apartments…? Tragedy.

Sunsets off the levee are gorgeous af.

Small town comic shops are GREAT. So are trade paperbacks of my absolute favorite discontinued story… thank you, elskede~

Wisconsin has good vineyards, who the fuck knew??? more importantly. Who the fuck KNEW AND DID NOT TELL ME??? Frantic text: Sir can I please drink? Apple Wine. Seriously. Look up Seven Hawks and their Apple, and their Chocolate and Cherries wines. Istg. fucking HELL its tasty~

Bonfires and celestial gazing are awesome. Bug bites are not. Next time, bring bug spray you dingus.

Minnesota and Wisconsin have incredible ice cream. I’m going to miss the ice cream.

Cats will generally prefer the box to the thing that came in the box. Even if it’s their first ever cat tree. Don’t be offended…. play with them in the box.

Kisses taste better through the giggles.

Cats are assholes. Yes, even the pretty ones. Ok…. especially the pretty ones.

Good gods he’s pretty when he sleeps…. I wanna take a picture. Ok, a dozen. Ok… I’ll show him when he wakes up and see if he’s ok with it and delete them if he hates it. Aw, he’s ok with it. Awwww he let me keep them. Yay. …. god he’s pretty when he sleeps.

Fish tacos. OMG fucking home made fish tacos wtf wtf how did I not make these sooner???

Holy SHITBALLS Minnesota has some great looking houses…. can I move here?

God the scenery…. I’m gonna miss this scenery.

Wandering around small towns is GREAT~ Hello old fashioned soda fountain. Hello tiny greek bar for no apparent reason. Hello Arak! Hello Mon Pastis! Hello Ouzo~ HELLO cajun eatery! HELLO MOTHER FUCKING ALLIGATOR TAIL!!! WOO!! (we had Two Shots. Between us.)

Hello Antique Mall! Oooohhh fuck I’m really really gay aren’t I? OHHH Vintage Gloves! …. Damn it yeah I’m gay. As FUCK. But c’mon, they have pearl buttons.

Damn it not this shit again. BABE we’re gonna go camp out in the living room. Oohhh…. you know what, we COULD bring the mattress from the bed. Why haven’t we been doing this all week? Fuck the pullout couch babe, BRING ON THE MATTRESS!!!

This cat screams for food every morning at six. … why am I gonna miss this so much? Oh. Right. Because she’s soft and she’s pretty and she has a red nose. Duh.

…ok what is it with Minnesota and victorian houses???

Fucking hell. I already miss this scenery. Damn.

Hello little tea house where I NEED to stop for lunch! Babe, babe c’mon, fuck culver’s lets do uhhh…. the Violet Twig? Yeah, I know I’m a fag. Guess what? it’s CUTE. Also damn, High Tea for Two for only 30?? Why can’t SA have shit like this!!

Ooohhh, a waterfall and park you say? Let’s go! We don’t have to check in at the hotel for what, another three hours? Let’s DO THIS!

ow ow ow bug bites, ow… yes but fuck it’s PRETTY! Shade, trails, the small rapids… so cool! God I miss nature…. damn it I need to go hiking more. Just… maybe not in a Texas Summer, yeah?

Damn it why is he so pretty in this light? Fuck I’m gonna miss this…

WHY DOES MINNESOTA HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH VICTORIAN HOUSES??

Ok, the question here is why do I have an obsession with victorian houses. Admit you have a problem. that’s the first step, right?

This room smells like peppermint. Why does our hotel room smell like peppermint?

Pools are fun. So are hot tubs. So are both when it’s only the two of you, because you’re swimming at 3:30 in the afternoon. Also holy FUCK they have good acoustics in here~

I stg if you sing the rest of Stars I will …. idk. I’ll splash you. yeah that.

Damn it why does this have to end…? How the hell did TWO WEEKS go that quick??

Hotel sheets feel divine when you’ve been sweating your butt off the past two days. Also damn it why does this have to end??

Even the sky is crying. Well that’s appropriate af. Also where was this rain two days ago??

I hate flying. I hate airports. Gods damn it all I don’t wanna go. Six months, yeah? Just six this time? I think I can make that work. Gods please let me make that work.

HOW IS DFW worse than O’HARE??? What is a light rail? How does this work? wtf how does this work. Are they changing my gate AGAIN?? Oh god food need food…. ok, had food, oh god please don’t change my gate again-

Damn it DFW doesn’t even have a good airport bar.

Oh hello text from Sir…. well yeah of course I can change into the black sundress and long socks…. uhm, no underwear? Oh gods… well. Uhm. y’know what? Yours to command~ If You want it, You got it!

Damn it this plane doesn’t serve a full drinks menu because it’s too short. Good on them, bad for me… Drown my sorrow in a short bottle of dasani. Sure that works. I probably shouldn’t be drunk in this outfit…

HOME HOME HOME HOME…. oh god it’s hot, of course it is it’s TEXAS…. hot~ oh no, WIND!! grabs at skirts

Damn, car trouble… WHERE IS THE NEAREST BAR? AC, Alcohol, and Appetizers~

Drinks drinks drinks drinks~ Water? Drinks~ Oh hello slutty bathroom pics for Sir, where have you been the past coupla weeks?

Baby I made it, and there’s some car trouble, but I’m with Sir and we’re drinking before dinner, I love you!!

Tow truck toe truck tow truck toe truck~ (I’m a happy drunk when I am allowed to drink~)

Damn it that comic got smushed in transit…. at least it wasn’t the Paperback~

mmmmm takeout asian food~ yay! God I love lemon chicken…. fucking hell I love Lemon Chicken~ It’s nice to be back. Damn it I miss my boy.
Can we please just all move to the same city soon, PLEASE? ❤

lenyberry:

house-of-crows:

lenyberry:

fierceawakening:

ayanasartstuff replied to your post “who all keep on blocking me fpsosjgodf…”

Yep. And I seriously wonder about people who don’t realize that even the most vanilla loving soft sweet sex can leave a person worked up and wound up enough that they’d need coaxing down. Hell, I need quote unquote “aftercare” from going to a concert because of how music effects me!

yeah, so much of bdsm care stuff is handy in SO MANY SITUATIONS like i don’t even get this crap

There’s a REASON why “cuddling after sex” is a Thing. Lots of people do it because it’s great for calming down after doing a thing that got you worked up! If you had an orgasm, you had an adrenaline spike. You can obviously have adrenaline spikes without orgasms, but you can’t have orgasms without adrenaline spikes. Similarly, “smoking after sex” is a Thing for the same reasons that a lot of people who smoke, will smoke more when they’re more stressed or will particularly want a smoke break to calm down after an adrenaline-raising experience of a less pleasurable nature. And falling asleep after sex is a side effect of being in a horizontal position and relaxed when the adrenaline crash hits.

Not everyone needs the same things out of post-sex experiences all the time, and BDSM aftercare sometimes includes more specific stuff to alleviating the lingering physical discomforts that can come from a scene, but… fucking hell.

I’m not kinky. I’ve still hit “drop” and spent approximately ten minutes sobbing uncontrollably after a round of entirely vanilla sex (missionary position and everything). Which I thoroughly enjoyed and enthusiastically consented to, btw. Because I’d had a lot of built-up emotional stress that I’d been suppressing, having an orgasm spiked my adrenaline, and that broke the dam that was holding it all back. After checking that I wasn’t crying from being upset or in pain because of something he’d done unknowingly, my boyfriend just got me tissues, put on the kettle for some herbal tea, asked if I wanted to talk about anything, then snuggled me until I got it all out of my system. That’s aftercare. No kink necessary.

Just most people who aren’t kinky don’t think to define it as such, they just do it anyway because it’s The Thing That’s Done and also they like doing it even if they don’t fully understand why it’s such a Thing.

Ok, as a kinky person, I would like to tactfully point out, that Cuddling isn’t the be-all end-all of aftercare…? Like. I get why and how it’s become the stereotype, or even the norm in a lot of local scenes. But I also personally know bottoms, subs, AND SLAVES, who want nothing to do with physical contact post-scene and it’s not because they feel traumatized. One lady requests a cup of tea and to be left in peace for about fifteen minutes; because her drop is fairly peaceful and she finds it more relaxing to sit quietly and meditate on the experience and bring it back to her Master.

Another would rather get a massage from his partner, because Rope is intense and painful and a gentle massage works the knots out of his muscles better than just sitting in one place for them to lock up further.

Some people would rather have sex after and THAT is their Aftercare.

I know one Sadomasochist and one-time-slave who views it as “Afterpandering” and won’t cuddle as a bottom OR a Top, because “This is supposed to be fun, and if you can’t handle yourself, we won’t be playing together.” Which, as she’s stated many times, she tells all potential playmates and it’s written all over her profiles.

I’m one of those who doesn’t mind some hair petting when I’m the bottom, but I’d rather put my head in my Sir’s lap and discuss the scene at length and debrief about the emotional repercussions, the technical aspects, and how my body is responding because I have permanent injuries that often play up during a scene. {Particularly if we’re Dancing. I’ll explain if you care-} I really only want intense snuggling if we we’re doing heavy psychological play, and I had an emotional/physical release. Collapse, crying, body shakes, or even a full blown panic attack or flashback…. cuz I’ve got PTSD~

As a Top and a Sadist, I really only want to cuddle if it’s clear my bottom wants it. I’m fine being nurturing and attentive, and I enjoy it if they are. But if they’d rather sit quietly to come back on their own, or have a cup of tea, or listen to music with headphones in the corner, or anything other than touch…. I’m ok with that. I’ll eventually need to be dropped back into a submissive mindset anyway because my primary relationship is a 24/7 Authority Exchange, but generally I can find my way on my own. {All it usually takes is being told to kneel, and sometimes to kiss His feet. Super soothing mentally, and I usually get hair pets~}

WARNING: Frank sex talk ahead:

Since sex for Sir and I often gets a little psychological and plays with a lot of D/s and objectification themes, we’ll lay beside each other in bed and either talk, or I’ll do some light body worship, or something similar because 1: it’s too damn hot in the South to be snuggling in the summer, 2: we’re generally all sweaty and that’s Ew, and 3: we were just all over each other so why….? Though again, if it was a bit Much, I get head petting and praise~ And that’s enough for a lot of people.

That’s a good addition!

I didn’t mean to imply that cuddling is ALL there is to aftercare, rather to point out that it at least can very easily qualify as such, and that non-kinky people do aftercare-qualifying things after vanilla sex all the time, they just think of it as “what we do after sex” instead of naming it. To the point that some of them are romance-fic tropes, like having a cuddle and/or a cigarette. And also that vanilla sex can be intense enough to trigger emotional release such that someone ends up requiring obvious aftercare, too.

And yeah, trust people to know what they need when they tell you how they’d prefer to be cared for. In general, not just in BDSM contexts.

I didn’t take it as you implying that! Just saying, there’s an even broader world that those types are ignoring in their rush to villainize “bdsm is evil cuz they make you pay for snuggles with pain.”