Tag: yknow

Gender and pleasure

psshaw:

hobbitkaiju:

So much of the Euro-American understanding of being trans (or anything other than 100% constantly identified with your assigned gender) focuses on discomfort. 

Some people take this idea to an extreme and claim you can’t be trans unless you hate your body and want every surgery available to you. As many other writers have said before, that’s not true. It’s perfectly possible to be trans with only mild dysphoria or none at all. It’s perfectly possible to be trans and have a mental map of your body that looks just like the one you already have. 

But I’d like to push even harder against the idea that trans=discomfort. I’d like to offer this: sometimes the exploration of one’s gender can be motivated by pleasure rather than discomfort. 

Let me give an example. Let’s say there’s a person named Cal. Most people think of Cal as a boy, and Cal’s all right with that. So far as Cal’s concerned, a boy isn’t a bad thing to be. But sometimes, Cal likes to imagine being a girl and being treated as a girl. Those fantasies are always accompanied by feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, anticipation, and warmth. Eventually, having had these thoughts for years, Cal asks people to use ‘she’ pronouns in private and to refer to her as a girl. Cal does this for another year before claiming the label “trans”. 

Some people would say a person like Cal can’t be trans because there’s no dysphoria, self-hatred, distress, or even discomfort. There’s just a pleasure-based preference. But why is distress necessary? Why are trans people supposed to be defined solely by our pain and self-hatred?

It’s my opinion that defining trans people solely by discomfort is an aspect of transphobia. The idea behind trans=discomfort is that being anything other than 100% cis is so awful that no one would do it unless the alternative were unlivable. Think about that: defining trans people solely by their experiences of discomfort means believing that being trans is so awful that only misery could drive us to it. And to me, that sounds like the thinking of someone who really hates trans people.

So I’ll come out and say it: sometimes transition or self-exploration of gender is not just about lessening discomfort, but is about improving and deepening the pleasure we take in our lives. 

“Think about that: defining trans people solely by their experiences of discomfort means believing that being trans is so awful that only misery could drive us to it.”

Honestly, speaking as a trans person, the understanding of dysphoria and the intense discomfort to the point of catonia that I have experienced personally just reminds me “Hey, you didn’t actually choose this, just like you didn’t choose your orientation. This just is.” 

It’s less about self loathing and more comforting in that no, I didn’t somehow convince myself that I need super expensive surgery or have some sort of mental condition wherein my need for chance was influenced by some sort of incurable dysmorphia. 

Pain is the body’s way of telling you that something is wrong and needs to change. Without some sort of signal, you can and will do more harm than good by undergoing invasive, painful, surgeries that have long heal times and hefty price tags that many have to crowdfund or go into crippling debt for. 

Using dysphoria as a barometer for “transness” is a good thing. It’s much less about “you must be this dysphoric to transition” and more “hey if you don’t have dysphoria NOW you probably will after transitioning to some degree or another.” Wanting to keep teens and young adults who have had no time in their bodies to understand what they’re about to do is important… that’s why nonsurgical options like hormone blockers and therapy are needed. A stop-gap to soothe the symptoms while making sure of the disease. 

Just like you take generalized painkillers while figuring out the cause of your headache instead of assuming “hey it’s a tumor we need to operate right this minute!” 

Gender Euphoria is a wonderful thing. Feeling affirmed in your gender is a wonderful thing. Not experiencing dysphoria must be awesome, wish I knew what that was like. But saying “you don’t need dysphoria to be trans” is… problematic at best. While it might be much more accurate to say “you don’t need dysphoria to be trans but you DO need it to medically transition” due to the likelihood of regret in that case, there’s still issues with that sort of gatekeeping and infringement of autonomy. I can think the way I do and still admit that as a rational adult that the best course lies in the middle somewhere.

But all of this is why trans surgeries and hormones are only barely covered by insurances; at least in my last state; when they’re covered at all, and why the medical field is so slow to adapt. They don’t want to get sued when the 17 year old who thinks they’re a dude wakes up after surgery screaming because they didn’t expect it would be like this and their unrealistic expectations bite them in the ass.

Point is, this shit can take a lot of time. But funneling young people into logical and rational behavior instead of pumping them full of hormones is for the best, and so is making sure they have to wait until 18 to get permanent surgical alterations to their bodies. If they have to wait for piercings or tattoos, then they should have to wait for surgery too. In the meantime, hormone blockers, therapy, and self awareness play a part. 

It’s not self loathing to try to understand WHY dysphoria is a thing, and sit with it, and try to figure out what your ideal day-to-day is going to look like down the line and what the more likely reality is. “Oh I’ll have the perfect male chest and run around shirtless and-” Nah bro, you’re far more likely to have large scars and awkward mid-puberty bod for at least a few years, your voice may never drop, HRT is a scattershot without much choice in what you get or when, and seeing the reality in the mirror can be just as damaging if you don’t already have dysphoria that those surgeries and HRT is designed to treat. 

You don’t undergo chemo if you don’t have cancer. And even if you really, really like body mods and want to get massive implants and cover yourself in tattoos, you still need to think logically about the ramifications of your actions and what it will mean for your life going forward beyond idealized fantasies.

A post about romantic relationships

teathewaygodintended:

chazzfox:

helloelloh:

so I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years now. And I see a lot of posts about how people think relationships mean having butterflies forever, your heart beating faster when they walk into a room, about cuddling together every night, legs intertwined, that you’d be so happy to live together you’d sleep on a double bed with each other every night.

And its not really like that, at least not to me.

You stop getting the butterflies when you live together. Your heart no longer speeds up when you see them, but instead, everything calms down. When youre in the room with them, you feel calm, and secure. When you cuddle them you feel your heart beat slow, and the sound of their breathing carry you towards comfort. It doesnt feel like a roller coaster anymore, it feels like home.

You don’t sleep curled up with each other every night, legs twisted between theirs so tight its hard to tell where yours begin and theirs end.

Instead, you sleep comfortably, side by side, sometimes facing different directions. But every night, you find yourself scooting backwards on the bed so you bump into them. You snuggle against their arm, or stroke their hair as they fall asleep. There are nights when my boyfriend, in his sleep, reaches around me and pulls me to him, like a child with his teddybear, like I am his comfort.

 In the wee hours of the morning before the dawn breaks, when the world is blue and you see through cracked eyes, you curl into their chest and inhale their scent before drifting back to sleep. 

Kisses aren’t always romantic and firey anymore. But there are so much more of them now. There are cold kisses when you’re eating ice cream in the summer, and sticky kisses over breakfast pancakes. There’s “im leaving now” kisses, and “one more kiss before you go” kisses. There’s sleepy morning kisses before work, when you don’t remember the alarm going off but instead the press of their lips against yours is what brings you into the day.

There’s kisses before sleep, and, you are so sweet with the things you do kisses. There’s kisses because you treat animals so tenderly, and I’m so glad i’m with you and not someone else kisses. There’s quick kisses in the aisles of the grocery store, when its loud and you gravitate together, when instead of having your own personal space and their own personal space, its both of yours together, and you step into their chest to take up less area together. 

You don’t always text each other with confessions of love and care like you used to, because that’s a given now, and you’ve moved on to quirky inside jokes about the life youve built together. You share looks of exasperation and amusement in public, your own little world against the outside one. 

Relationships aren’t always a fairy tale. They’re not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start.

But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It’s not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drowsily drift into sleep.

And I love that.

*SLAMS REBLOG BUTTON!!!*

Never read anything that has resounded so much with me