what if our most iconic contribution to galactic culture is the haka?
not just the haka itself, but the concept of a war dance. some other species have dance or something like it, but it’s either specifically a courtship thing, or it’s very homey and cooperative, pretty much folk dance. the idea of dancing as a way to showcase aggression is just – wham, cognitive dissonance.
and then you add on the way humans will make their bodies do impossible things, and wear outfits that show off how muscular they are? and the music, my stars, it’s so violent!
everyone finds it extremely intimidating.
exporting war dancing was not intentional, per se. it’s just that some human pirate hunter decided to pull an iron man and broadcast ‘bitch better have my money’ on all channels while hitting some freight raiders and the crew had a lot of adrenaline to work out.
why do people try to pit star wars and star trek against each other when we all know damn well jim kirk would be all over that psychic twink with a laser sword
OP you are so wise
The meeting of James. T. Kirk and Obi-Wan “Always Fucking Flirting” Kenobi would be AMAZING.
this is EXACTLY the wars v. trek discourse i wanted on my dashboard
Ok this is AWESOME but tbh all I can think about is Bones in this melded universe, so please forgive me… BUT:
Bones being APPALLED at the state of the medical field in Star Wars. Bones getting Visibly Upset And Managing Just Fine Thank You when confronted with people who lop off limbs and replace body parts with dubious mechanical parts for things that could, conceivably, be put back together. Bones AND Troi being SHOCKED AND APPALLED at what the Jedi teach their wards re: repressing emotion and control at all costs. Troi immediately putting together counselling sessions and teaching others better coping strategies.
Bones and Troi working to restructure the Jedi Temple with better medical and mental health care while Kirk does his thing and convinces Kenobi that heckin yeah things need to heckin change Kenobi understanding all of this since hey Anakin is a repressed, traumatized, CHILD and the expectations of the Jedi Council might just break him.
KIRK BONES AND TROI DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT
Someone please write this thing I lack the capability and am flail
Spock coming in like “ok I see what you’re aiming for but emotional repression is not the same thing as emotional control sweet surak you are really approaching this the wrong way and you’re just gonna fuck yourselves up like this”
why do people try to pit star wars and star trek against each other when we all know damn well jim kirk would be all over that psychic twink with a laser sword
OP you are so wise
The meeting of James. T. Kirk and Obi-Wan “Always Fucking Flirting” Kenobi would be AMAZING.
this is EXACTLY the wars v. trek discourse i wanted on my dashboard
Ok this is AWESOME but tbh all I can think about is Bones in this melded universe, so please forgive me… BUT:
Bones being APPALLED at the state of the medical field in Star Wars. Bones getting Visibly Upset And Managing Just Fine Thank You when confronted with people who lop off limbs and replace body parts with dubious mechanical parts for things that could, conceivably, be put back together. Bones AND Troi being SHOCKED AND APPALLED at what the Jedi teach their wards re: repressing emotion and control at all costs. Troi immediately putting together counselling sessions and teaching others better coping strategies.
Bones and Troi working to restructure the Jedi Temple with better medical and mental health care while Kirk does his thing and convinces Kenobi that heckin yeah things need to heckin change Kenobi understanding all of this since hey Anakin is a repressed, traumatized, CHILD and the expectations of the Jedi Council might just break him.
KIRK BONES AND TROI DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT
Someone please write this thing I lack the capability and am flail
Like, what if his name just happens to be Montgomery Scott, so all of his friends started calling him “Scotty,” and then every time he was introduced to a new person, they would be like “Oh, are you Scottish? My uncle was Scottish!”
And finally, he just gets sick of explaining the situation, so he starts replying with “aye, laddie!” But then it turns out that the person he said that to was Captain Kirk, and he doesn’t want to admit that he lied to his new commanding officer, so he has to keep speaking in a ridiculously over-the-top brogue and commenting constantly on how much he loves drinking Scotch, and by the time that he realises that Kirk would have found humour in the situation, he’s in too deep and can’t stop pretending, and it gradually just becomes his normal speech pattern.
Then, years later, the Enterprise is being inspected by a Starfleet engineer who’s actually Scottish, and Scotty takes him on a walking tour of his warp engines and is all like “Auch! Here be me wee bairns!” and the other engineer is just like “what the fuck is wrong with you?”
I take the fact that James Doohan is Canadian as evidence of this theory.
Scotty hacking into his Starfleet personnel file to alter his place of birth.
Scotty soundproofing his quarters on the Enterprise so that no one can hear him teach himself to play the bagpipes from instructional videos.
Scotty making a great show of taking a shuttle down to Aberdeen to “visit his family” every time the Enterprise is in Earth orbit and then, once on the ground, discreetly site-to-site transporting himself to Vancouver or whatever.
None of these things are out of character or beyond his technical ability.
Yeah, but also in character: Jim Kirk has known since Day 1 that Scotty is not, in fact, Scottish, but is just sitting there waiting to see how far Scotty is willing to go to keep the story going. It started out as an “enough rope” situation but now it’s one of Jim’s greatest ongoing sources of entertainment and he wouldn’t admit at gunpoint that he knows.
i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it
Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”
Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”
“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”
*prolonged silence* “oh my…”
“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”
*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”
Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”
The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.
Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:
I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.
Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.
The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.
That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.
I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.
No wonder Solkar is all like, “TAKE ME, YOU WILD-MANNERED BARBARIAN WITH ENTICINGLY ROUGH CALLUSES.”
And so we find out that yes, there is such a thing as bottoming in Pon-farr.
Every time this post comes round my dash, it just gets better.
This is, hands down, the best post on Trekblr (pun acknowledged and rolled with despite not initially being intended when I typed it).
Random Headcanon: That Federation vessels in Star Trek seem to experience bizarre malfunctions with such overwhelming frequency isn’t just an artefact of the television serial format. Rather, it’s because the Federation as a culture are a bunch of deranged hyper-neophiles,
tooling around in ships packed full of beyond-cutting-edge tech they
don’t really understand. Endlessly frustrating if you have to fight
them, because they can pull an effectively unlimited number of bullshit
space-magic countermeasures out of their arses – but they’re as likely
as not to give themselves a lethal five-dimensional wedgie in the
process. All those rampant holograms and warp core malfunctions and
accidentally-traveling-back-in-time incidents? That doesn’t actually
happen to anyone else; it’s literally just Federation vessels that go off the rails like that. And they do so on a fairly regular basis.
So to everyone else in the galaxy, all humans are basically Doc Brown.
Aliens who have seen the Back to the Future movies literally don’t realise that Doc Brown is meant to be funny. They’re just like “yes, that is exactly what all human scientists are like in my experience”.
THE ONLY REASON SCOTTY IS CHIEF ENGINEER INSTEAD OF SOMEONE FROM A SPECIES WITH A HIGHER TECHNOLOGICAL APTITUDE IS BECAUSE EVERYONE FROM THOSE SPECIES TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE ENTERPRISE’S ENGINE ROOM AND RAN AWAY SCREAMING
vulcan science academy: why do you need another warp core
humans: we’re going to plug two of them together and see if we go twice as fast
vsa: last time we gave you a warp core you threw it into a sun to see if the sun would go twice as fast
humans: hahaha yeah
humans: it did tho
vsa: IT EXPLODED
humans: it exploded twice as fast
I love this. Especially because of how well it plays with my headcanon that the Federation does so much better against the Borg than anyone else because beating the Borg with military tactics is nigh-impossible, but beating them with wacky superscience shenanigans works as long as they’re unique wacky superscience shenanigans.
Yeah, I love this.
Reminds me of the thing I wrote a while back about Humans in high fantasy realms – they’re basically Team Fuck It Hold My Beer I Got This.
Impulsive, passionate to a fault, the social structures they build to try and regulate this hotheadedness ironically creates even greater levels of sheer bull-headedness. Even their “cooler” heads take action in months or weeks.
All their great heroes of the past were impossibly rash by galactic standards. Humans Just Go With It, which is their great flaw but also their greatest strength.
klingons: okay we don’t get it
vulcan science academy: get what
klingons: you vulcans are a bunch of stuffy prisses but you’re also tougher, stronger, and smarter than humans in every single way
klingons: why do you let them run your federation
vulcan science academy: look
vulcan science academy: this is a species where if you give them two warp cores they don’t do experiments on one and save the other for if the first one blows up
vulcan science academy: this is a species where if you give them two warp cores, they will ask for a third one, immediately plug all three into each other, punch a hole into an alternate universe where humans subscribe to an even more destructive ideological system, fight everyone in it because they’re offended by that, steal their warp cores, plug those together, punch their way back here, then try to turn a nearby sun into a torus because that was what their initial scientific experiment was for and they didn’t want to waste a trip.
vulcan science academy: they did that last week. we have the write-up right here. it’s getting published in about six hundred scientific journals across two hundred different disciplines because of how many established theories their ridiculous little expedition has just called into question. also, they did turn that sun into a torus, and no one actually knows how.
vulcan science academy: this is why we let them do whatever the hell they want.
klingons: …. can we be a part of your federation
Come to think of it, I mean. Look at the “first human warp drive” thing in the movie. That was… Not how Vulcans would have done it.
you know what the best evidence for this is? Deep Space 9 almost never broke down. minor malfunctions that irritated O’Brien to hell and back, sure, but almost none of the truly weird shit that befell Voyager and all the starships Enterprise. what was the weirdest malfunction DS9 ever had? the senior staff getting trapped as holosuite characters in Our Man Bashir, and that was because a human decided to just dump the transporter buffer into the station’s core memory and hope everything would work out somehow, which is a bit like swapping your computer’s hard drive out for a memory card from a PlayStation 2 and expecting to be able to play a game of Spyro the Dragon with your keyboard and mouse.
you know what, I’m not done with this post. let’s talk about the Pegasus. the USS Fucking Pegasus,
testbed for the first Starfleet cloaking device. here we have a handful
of humans working in secret to develop a cloaking device in violation
of a treaty with the Romulans. they’re playing catchup trying to develop
a technology other species have had for a century. and what do they do?
do they decide to duplicate a Romulan cloaking device precisely, just
see if they can match what other species have? nope. they decide, hey,
while we’re at it, while we’re building our very first one of these things, just to find out if this is possible, let’s see if we can make this thing phase us out of normal space so we can fly through planets while we’re invisible.
“but why” said the one Vulcan in the room.
“because that would fucking rule” said the humans, high-fiving each other and slamming cans of 24th-century Red Bull.
there
must be like twenty different counselling groups for non-human
engineering students at Starfleet Academy, and every week in every
single one of them someone walks in and starts up with a story like “our
assignment was to repair a phaser emitter and my one human classmate
built a chronometric-flux toaster that toasts bread after you’ve eaten
it.”
Humans get mildly offended by the way they are presented in non-human media.
Like: “Guys, we totally wouldn’t do that!” But this always fails to get much traction, because the authors can always say: “You totally did.”
“That was ONE TIME.”
There’s that movie where humans invented vaccines by just testing them on people. Or the one about those two humans who invented powered flight by crashing a bunch of prototypes. Or the one about electricity.
And human historians go, “Oh, uh, this is historically accurate, but also kind of boring.” To which the producers respond: “How is doing THIS CRAZY THING boring????????”
There are entire serieses of horror movies where the premise is “We stopped paying attention to the human and ey found the technology.”
reblog for new meta.
RE that last line: McGuyver.
“MacGuyver” is the equivalent of Vulcan vintage human horror television.
during orientation at a human college, vulcans are presented with a list of swear words.
“what is the word ‘fuck’ for,” the innocent young vulcans want to know. “surely there are more logical intensity modifiers.”
“yeah, you’d think so,” say the weary, jaded vulcan professors. “you’d really fucking think so.”
there is a phrase in vulcan for ‘the particular moment you understand what the word ‘fuck’ is for’.
This is why the Federation is the only organisation to ever stand a chance against the Borg
The Borg can adapt to the brilliant millitary strategies of the Romulan Star Empire, the Klingons and even the cold logical intellectual prowess of the vulcans
The Borg weren’t prepared for a starship captain to lure them into his 50′s noir detective holo-novel and then machine gun them to death with a weapon made out of hard light
This thread is amazing. Even as a baby star trek nerd that only really knows the new movies.
“there is a phrase in vulcan for ‘the particular moment you understand what the word ‘fuck’ is for’.”
I just died
I lost my shit at “toasts your bread after you’ve eaten it”
Oh please please someone write this
the best thing about this post is that the way it’s written – by multiple human authors getting over-excited about ridiculous, wonderful, impossible ideas that ought by rights to be terrifying – is itself proof that we’re like this
“One of the serious problems with planning against Federation (especially human) doctrine is that Starfleet officers do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine.”
Thank you so much for about 5 solid minutes of LMAO
has anyone made a memes on board the enterprise post
*pointing at a random piece of engineering equipment* is that a jefferies tube
imitating spock by saying “hey guess who i am” and then staring at kirk for upwards of five minutes wherever he happens to be
“broken replicators are xenophobic”
a whole week where everyone in medbay speaks in a southern accent to piss off bones except he actually doesnt notice he just takes it for granted
“captain kirk likes classical music pass it on”
whenever someone on bridge broadcasts some kind of report on a fucked up away mission its customary to turn to the person on ur left and say ‘i just wish theyd stop saying odd shit’
the xenobiology department likes to makes up random false facts about humans and include them in official reports. ‘humans actually have no bones’. ‘humans have a third eye under their left ear’
if u visit medbay at any given time theres a good chance someones going to say “congrats!!!! youre todays one MILLIONTH visitor!!!” the prize is a free hypo vaccination and you cant refuse it
the probability of this happening increases exponentially if you are jim kirk
literally anything chekov does
“thats more impressive than yeoman rand’s hairstyle”
excitedly running up to someone from the botany department and telling them youve discovered a new plant and seeing how long it takes them to figure out that the organism ur describing in complex science terms is actually earth grass
all the linguists have complex fake languages that they use to talk shit about everyone on board in public places
“this is worse than scotty drunk and trying to explain dilithium”
daily tally of shirts jim kirk has ripped
daily tally of times spock has raised an eyebrow
“raises eyebrow like spock on the bridge” as the colloquial ‘looks into camera like im on the office’ replacement
[during a battle] “this is just like that old terran movie star wars / battlestar galactica / the martian / gravity”
[in response to something unbelievable] “yeah and spock is straight”
– “is that a jeffries tube” steadily evolves from pointing at engineering equipment to at any ship equipment, then any tech at all, then anything. literally anything. [points at collection of rocks] is that a jeffries tube
– calling people ‘ensign’ when they fuck up / calling people ‘commander’ when they do good
– if jim overhears anyone complaining about anything trivial he throws an arm over their shoulders and says “you want to be captain, you say? you want to run this ship? be in charge of and responsible for this many people of this many species? you wanna lead negotiations with [insert next diplomacy mission here]? well why didnt you say so earlier!!!” then he starts trying to lead them to the bridge
– if they let him he will take them to the bridge and sit them in the charge & tell bridge they have the conn. and then refuse to do anything captain-y
– one time an ensign actually ran a first contact mission cause of this. it was a success apart from the thing with the fruit juice
– security officers travel at the speed of light
– especially if it’s a false alarm
– telling variations of the Scotty Transporting The Admiral’s Dog story, including ‘scotty beheads the admiral’s wife’, ‘scotty bodyswaps the admiral and his dog’, ‘scotty clones the dog’ and ‘everything is exactly the same but the admiral only communicates through mime’
– away mission bingo cards
– away mission superstitions
– theres a bed in the med bay with jim’s name on it. then one with spock’s. then sulu’s
– theories on what having your own med bay bed means, mostly revolving around bones being secretly married to people
– “this is just like that time on [prefix]-[random nearby object]-[suffix]”
THIS IS GREAT!
I feel obligated every time I see a post like this to point out that what is essentially a meme from a Star Trek game evolved to the point that now I have a dedication in an actual print book to me that contains the phrase “Ice Worms.”
And here is where I look pointedly, and with love, to @seananmcguire. ❤
– if jim overhears anyone complaining about anything trivial he throws an arm over their shoulders and says “you want to be captain, you say? you want to run this ship? be in charge of and responsible for this many people of this many species? you wanna lead negotiations with [insert next diplomacy mission here]? well why didnt you say so earlier!!!” then he starts trying to lead them to the bridge
This is basically the plot of @dduane’s Doctor’s Orders, and it’s hilarious.
House Of Crows 