Tag: sex

travellinglemonworkshop:

lenyberry:

house-of-crows:

lenyberry:

travellinglemonworkshop:

lenyberry:

lenyberry:

unrelated to anything I’ve reblogged recently but 

damn it I’m questioning my gender again now 

what would it be like to have a straightforward uncomplicated relationship with gender and sexuality? I sure as fuck don’t know. >.<

@travellinglemonworkshop said:
you and me both … it’s like, every time I think I have myself figured out, I realize that puzzle piece A could also fit into a different slot if I turn it around a bit …

this particular time for me it’s “I saw a thing, and now I’m re-re-re-evaluating whether or not there is a possibility that I might actually be a trans dude because seeing the thing gave me a weird genderfeel that I was not expecting to have”

I suspect I’m going to again conclude that while I do have some “maybe I’d rather be a guy” feels sometimes (and sometimes they’re… significant), actually transitioning would be more trouble than it’s worth for me and I would probably not be happier being stuck as a guy than I am being stuck as a girl, I just really wish I had a magic ring that I could put on when I want to have a dick and a beard instead of a pussy and tits”.

YOU AND ME BOTH.  (Though, let’s be honest here, I would wear the hell out of that damn ring.)

Or hell, even just a ring that acted as a “have/don’t have boobs” switch.

Honestly if i ever got a genie-wish or a faerie-favor or something… shapeshifting powers. That’s the first thing on my list.

I’d also absolutely take an offer of “you can test-drive being male for a week, and then at the end of the week you get to decide what you want to be permanently for the rest of your life” because then… even though my ideal would be to keep the ability to switch when I want to… at least I’d have actual data for comparison on the merits of each on which to base a final decision.

Sometimes I sorta envy people who just know they’re binary-trans because while they still gotta deal with a lot of aggravating bullshit… at least they have clarity, ya know? I mean, I realize this might be some “grass is greener” nonsense but nonetheless it occurs in my head sometimes.

Even us binary trans sometimes have our issues tho.

Cuz like, I’d take a dick if it were a cisdude dick… but the science isn’t there for me, personally, to be happy with a surgically attached one. (no, not even a transplant.) Especially with all the nerve issues and scarring and whatnot. Just… no thank you.

and sometimes I don’t despise my chest cuz I have awesome sensation and sometimes that’s fun. But like… on the other hand… god what wouldn’t I do to just have some scientist implant my brain and memories into a different body holy SHIT

Like I said, I realize it might be some “grass is greener” shit. I don’t envy ALL the crap you guys have to deal with, but… yeah, clarity about WHAT EVEN AM I would be really nice to have. 

And I hear ya on the surgical issues. Even at peak “I want a dick and everything that goes with it” Mood I’m still like “but I’d want it to be like a cisdude dick tho, not one with nerve issues and all that and also I’m really unsure about what T would do to my voice and also I already hate how much body hair I have and shaving sucks, but then on the other hand I’d probably look amazing with the right kinda beard (and given my general predisposition to being hairier than average for my existing hormone balance I could probably attain a decent one), and also dudely fat distribution and an easier time building muscle sounds Great… but then also I’d want a broader chest and there is not even any kinda surgery for THAT”

“There is no surgery in the world to give me the extra six inches of height that my brain keeps insisting that I’m supposed to have.”

Also WORD on the dick issue.  Seriously considering trying T when I hit menopause, though … I mean, at that point, why the hell not?  (I’ve been saying for years that I would ROCK a goatee.)

Honestly, though, it’s amazingly *positive* for me to hear your perspective, @house-of-crows, because knowing that some binary trans people go through a lot of the same thought-processes and questions and “nope, that doesn’t work for me” feelings about the current state of medical transitions makes me feel … I dunno, like less of a fake?  Less “so broken she can’t even be trans/nb right” …  So thank you, and please forgive my awkwardness, because it’s late and I can’t word and also my foot tends to be permanently lodged in my mouth, so … yeah.

‘s all good! 

I was originally gonna wait til I hit 40 cuz at that point everything’s going downhill why the fuck not? But then…. the Actual Dysphoria hit. Thankfully….? *hand wiggle* idk, “thankfully” it’s just how I’m perceived and not much to do with how I feel about myself. So the chest needs to go, definitely, lower voice, better face… all that.

But then there’s the weird shit. Like how my brain INSISTS that I need to be at least 5′4″. That’s a MANLY height. 5′3″ is super feminine and how dare I stop growing an inch too soon wtf? Also the leg thing. I just wanna be that gangly-lean dude who wears skinny jeans and goth clothing but my dumb thighs are TOO. BIG. and so are the hips and jfc it just makes me look like an Egg. yikes.

It’s all the little things, for the most part. Like my hairline, and my actually small hands; ring size of 4. yes really; and my painfully high voice. I don’t much care about my lower body, most of the time. There are times when the Want is Real, buuuut… having a giant scar on my arm or leg or someplace is just not worth it. Especially with how messy and time-intensive other sorts of sex can be if you’re the bottom. I’d rather just use the estrogen cream, and keep what I’ve got working as much as possible.

Do you believe it’s okay to have sex with someone, such as myself actually, who, due to a bunch of different brainweirds, isn’t able to meaningfully provide consent but defaults to “yes” when asked?

Well, to be honest with you, anon, my answer is going to be “No.” Not because of your brainweirds or any other reason but because I am in a; particularly for the moment; closed polycule and am quite happily polysaturated. More partners just aren’t in the cards for me. Two is more than enough. 

Now that said… I take issue with people sending me “Gotcha!” asks like this. It serves no real purpose, and to be frank with you, I find it a little offensive. THAT said… if you cannot say no, you cannot meaningfully say yes. The reverse; to a more limited extent; is also true. That is the default of consent that I, personally, am working from outside of particular relationship dynamics I have in play with my partners.

If I WERE to be the sort to proposition you, Anon, I’d be asking you how you feel about certain activities and whether or not you regret them after the fact. I would be asking you more than just “do you consent” because I, like many others involved with kink, want to know the WHYS of limits not just the limits, wherever possible. Because “I don’t like whips” is a lot different than “the pop sound of the cracker and the intense sting make me feel Some Kinda Way and I don’t want to panic about it.” The first is a limit definitely! The second takes a lot of other, similar, toys off the table because it’s not about the limit, it’s about respecting the CONTEXT of the limit. 

Look for someone who takes your answer for what it is, including its context, wherever possible. And, in the meantime, maybe examine the why and how your Brainweirds interact with your consent, yeah…? 

MLM for Women and Other Bedroom Fantasies

This came up in a group very recently and I’ve been trying to formulate something that’s simultaneously witty and informative. I probably landed on “seems salty” again, but hey~ Who else but House-of-Crows to bring the salt in this tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic way? My goal is an eyeroll and “ok yeah sure…. hmm but also you have a point there.” The same responses I’ve tried to get with my now-retired Clue X Four series. Anyway, I stand by what I say in forums and I wanted to enlarge on my post and yeah ok, up the snark a bit because questions like these give me hives.

Query: I’ve been fantasizing about gay men and being the female cream in their male Oreo cookie. Is this a thing that happens and how would I make it happen? Isn’t that objectifying and fetishizing them and should I feel bad? Help.

Oh boy. And off we go~

1. Do Gay men ever want to be with women?

If we wanted to be with women, honey, we wouldn’t be gay. We’d be bi, pan, or homo/heteroflexible. Gay is a monosexual thing; unless it’s being used as a label because something else is too hard to explain. (See also: Queer)

2. Does this mean that I’m objectifying/fetishizing them?

TL;DR: Yes.
Long Version:
Yes, probably, but in the same way that women who read and write gay romances as a way of processing their own sexuality are objectifying and fetishizing mlm. The issue isn’t the writing and fantasizing, it’s the involving real people in those fantasies and expecting real life to conform to those expectations. It’s what leads to people demanding that Dean/Castiel become canon; I’d want the same thing but for different reasons; and berating content creators for their ships not becoming canon.

It’s what leads to people thinking that gay people are pure and innocent and that we blush over holding hands and kisses on the cheek and all we ever do is cuddle because “pure bab uwu” infantilization. It’s what shoves flower crowns and pastels down the throats of transmen and why so many of us identify as “boy” for so long… as soon as we’re not a safe soft boy anymore we’re an Evil Manperson but that’s another post for another day~

Personally, while I think people can write or read whatever their +black little hears desire, I’m also all for being self-critical and self-aware and using those tools to understand what and how our desires drive us. Fantasize about whatever you want, but when you try to translate it into reality, don’t treat people like fetish dispensers. The question isn’t “am I attracted to these people and these things?” Because you already know the answer. The question is “are they attracted to me and what do I have to offer them other than just sex?” Because, to be honest, asking someone to involve not only themselves but their partner with a third person is tricky already. Trying to get people who aren’t even interested in women involved is going to be harder. Finding a couple who are both interested in you at the same time and also into sharing and also have compatible kinks? Good luck honey, that’s why they call it unicorn hunting.

3. Is there a name for this?

Uh yeah. “gay best friends with benefits” or “fantasy that’s probably unattainable.”
On a less tongue-in-cheek note, yes a MFM threesome would be what you’re looking for. Also speaking from experience, do some stretching first if you plan on attempting double penetration; whether vaginal/anal, or both in one. It’s also difficult as hell to maneuver; yes even with one partner and a toy; and porn only makes it look easy. But it’s made to look easy on purpose… to fuel the fantasy. So your stretching should also be literal, not just sexual. Maybe do a little flexibility training if you can.

4. How does one go about finding such men that might be open to such a thing?

Most vagina-having people don’t considering that gay means you don’t want to involve yourself with women. Other gay men would go to gay swinger clubs; where to be frank, even transmen are at a disadvantage. (Since gay men, they like the penis. 😉 ) I would suggest that you search instead for bisexual, pansexual, or homo/heteroflexible men who are into sharing or swinging specifically.

I’d advise against just asking gay or male-loving-men you know to jump into bed with you. I’d also advise against bringing it up in a first conversation. I’ve done writings before on the subject of kink as Gift Giving, and asking people to give you something while offering nothing or very little in return. Kink is a time sink, and even Tops get drop. Be aware of what you’re asking and of whom, and try to tailor your requests to their interests.

You wouldn’t go to a sexual Top for nonsexual play, what would they get from it? You wouldn’t go to an Edge Player for bunny floggers and fuzzy handcuffs, what’s there to interest them? You wouldn’t go to someone who’d honed their skills in one specific area for YEARS only to ignore that kink entirely when you approached them, because it’s disrespectful to their skills and their desires as a person. (Barring those who of course enjoy playing to levels and teaching new people. But knowing who those people are is part of this process.)

So take a breath, do a bit of self-examining, and think about why you want the thing. Then figure out what you have to offer in return and go unicorn hunting. Good luck, you’re going to need it.

+side note: it may not be obvious, but I’m quoting QotD here. “Black” as in “corrupted by desire” which is obviously a rather troublesome term as desire can and is healthy and natural. But, again, I’m being sarcastic here in an attempt to be funny, similar to how Lestat acted throughout the book and movie. If that didn’t land, I apologize in advance. We can talk about colorization and terms Re: That, at some other point. I probably agree with you.

(Further) thoughts on vacation

I’m home now, and basking in the dubious affection of two demon-hellspawn cats and reminiscing about my trip to Minnesota… in order, more or less:

  • Hotels have thin walls. We’re lucky we were placed near to the pool, and that there were very few people on our side of the hotel. It was a glorious reunion, and I’d forgotten how good Bucca’s calimari can be. Yes, even if they are tiny baby squid.
  • The Mall of America is even bigger; and smaller; than I remember it being as a child. I still ate the mini corndogs with relish and enjoyed every minute of spoiling my sweet boy.
  • Kilts are Awesome…. maaaaaaaybe just not in Texas Heat. Unless it’s canvas/denim.
  • I cannot get a leather top hat back to Texas safely…. and definitely not for $225. No. No matter HOW awesome they look.
  • Hamburgers are great, but so are loaded fries. Choose appropriately.
  • I still have a thing for sun dresses because they are cool when everything else is hot.
  • Pursuant to that, a dress is a tunic is a robe… just wear it. It’s comfy.
  • Flogging him was even more fun than imagined. Even better that I got whimpers and twitches instead of screams…. thin hotel walls~ Imagine!
  • The Midwest has some of the best god damned scenery… holy FUCK does it have some of the best god damned scenery. HELLOOOOOO Minnesota!
  • Smaller toy companies are amazing. I wanted to buy the entire store, I left with lunch and a burning desire for a certain steel cuff. (It’s stamped with ‘my’ constellation. C’mon!)
  • Heat Exhaustion is a dangerous thing… ask for what you need, or risk cutting the happy vacation time pathetically short. (Ry got an AC unit before I went up, and we camped out in the living room a total of three nights out of 17, three were spent in hotels)
  • His cat loves me! This is amazing… ow, ow ow…. tongue like sandpaper and rocks… ow… THIS IS STILL AWESOME… ow~ aww, she’s so… cute~
  • Snacks and rain is a hell of a combination. Especially when it comes after an uncomfortabel night. The next two weeks were almost all fair weather with rain and a breeze, except for a few afternoons we got heat advisories. SO NICE~
  • Coffee is good. Coffee with donuts is even better.
  • Yoga on a super cushy half-inch mat in front of a bay window while it rains, the windows are open to the breeze, and your favorite playlist is playing is divine.
  • His cat is truly beautiful…. damn it I wish she’d sit in my lap.
  • I can make truly good food with only a few ingredients if I’m not burning to death slowly~ (‘fried’ chicken with stirfry veggies and rice noodles~)
  • Even laundry day can be fun and goofy. I like partners who can make the boring pretty awesome!
  • A&W is better than a remember. Holy shit is it better than I remember!
  • HOLY FUCKBALLS MINNESOTA IS BEAUTIFUL~
  • Holy shit MINNESOTA HAS BEAUTIFUL HOUSES~ WHY are they all subdivided into apartments…? Tragedy.
  • Sunsets off the levee are gorgeous af.
  • Small town comic shops are GREAT. So are trade paperbacks of my absolute favorite discontinued story… thank you, elskede~
  • Wisconsin has good vineyards, who the fuck knew??? more importantly. Who the fuck KNEW AND DID NOT TELL ME??? Frantic text: Sir can I please drink? Apple Wine. Seriously. Look up Seven Hawks and their Apple, and their Chocolate and Cherries wines. Istg. fucking HELL its tasty~
  • Bonfires and celestial gazing are awesome. Bug bites are not. Next time, bring bug spray you dingus.
  • Minnesota and Wisconsin have incredible ice cream. I’m going to miss the ice cream.
  • Cats will generally prefer the box to the thing that came in the box. Even if it’s their first ever cat tree. Don’t be offended…. play with them in the box.
  • Kisses taste better through the giggles.
  • Cats are assholes. Yes, even the pretty ones. Ok…. especially the pretty ones.
  • Good gods he’s pretty when he sleeps…. I wanna take a picture. Ok, a dozen. Ok… I’ll show him when he wakes up and see if he’s ok with it and delete them if he hates it. Aw, he’s ok with it. Awwww he let me keep them. Yay. …. god he’s pretty when he sleeps.
  • Fish tacos. OMG fucking home made fish tacos wtf wtf how did I not make these sooner???
  • Holy SHITBALLS Minnesota has some great looking houses…. can I move here?
  • God the scenery…. I’m gonna miss this scenery.
  • Wandering around small towns is GREAT~ Hello old fashioned soda fountain. Hello tiny greek bar for no apparent reason. Hello Arak! Hello Mon Pastis! Hello Ouzo~ HELLO cajun eatery! HELLO MOTHER FUCKING ALLIGATOR TAIL!!! WOO!! (we had Two Shots. Between us.)
  • Hello Antique Mall! Oooohhh fuck I’m really really gay aren’t I? OHHH Vintage Gloves! …. Damn it yeah I’m gay. As FUCK. But c’mon, they have pearl buttons.
  • Damn it not this shit again. BABE we’re gonna go camp out in the living room. Oohhh…. you know what, we COULD bring the mattress from the bed. Why haven’t we been doing this all week? Fuck the pullout couch babe, BRING ON THE MATTRESS!!!
  • This cat screams for food every morning at six. … why am I gonna miss this so much? Oh. Right. Because she’s soft and she’s pretty and she has a red nose. Duh.
  • …ok what is it with Minnesota and victorian houses???
  • Fucking hell. I already miss this scenery. Damn.
  • Hello little tea house where I NEED to stop for lunch! Babe, babe c’mon, fuck culver’s lets do uhhh…. the Violet Twig? Yeah, I know I’m a fag. Guess what? it’s CUTE. Also damn, High Tea for Two for only 30?? Why can’t SA have shit like this!!
  • Ooohhh, a waterfall and park you say? Let’s go! We don’t have to check in at the hotel for what, another three hours? Let’s DO THIS!
  • ow ow ow bug bites, ow… yes but fuck it’s PRETTY! Shade, trails, the small rapids… so cool! God I miss nature…. damn it I need to go hiking more. Just… maybe not in a Texas Summer, yeah?
  • Damn it why is he so pretty in this light? Fuck I’m gonna miss this…
  • WHY DOES MINNESOTA HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH VICTORIAN HOUSES??
  • Ok, the question here is why do I have an obsession with victorian houses. Admit you have a problem. that’s the first step, right?
  • This room smells like peppermint. Why does our hotel room smell like peppermint?
  • Pools are fun. So are hot tubs. So are both when it’s only the two of you, because you’re swimming at 3:30 in the afternoon. Also holy FUCK they have good acoustics in here~
  • I stg if you sing the rest of Stars I will …. idk. I’ll splash you. yeah that.
  • Damn it why does this have to end…? How the hell did TWO WEEKS go that quick??
  • Hotel sheets feel divine when you’ve been sweating your butt off the past two days. Also damn it why does this have to end??
  • Even the sky is crying. Well that’s appropriate af. Also where was this rain two days ago??
  • I hate flying. I hate airports. Gods damn it all I don’t wanna go. Six months, yeah? Just six this time? I think I can make that work. Gods please let me make that work.
  • HOW IS DFW worse than O’HARE??? What is a light rail? How does this work? wtf how does this work. Are they changing my gate AGAIN?? Oh god food need food…. ok, had food, oh god please don’t change my gate again-
  • Damn it DFW doesn’t even have a good airport bar.
  • Oh hello text from Sir…. well yeah of course I can change into the black sundress and long socks…. uhm, no underwear? Oh gods… well. Uhm. y’know what? Yours to command~ If You want it, You got it!
  • Damn it this plane doesn’t serve a full drinks menu because it’s too short. Good on them, bad for me… Drown my sorrow in a short bottle of dasani. Sure that works. I probably shouldn’t be drunk in this outfit…
  • HOME HOME HOME HOME…. oh god it’s hot, of course it is it’s TEXAS…. hot~ oh no, WIND!! grabs at skirts
  • Damn, car trouble… WHERE IS THE NEAREST BAR? AC, Alcohol, and Appetizers~
  • Drinks drinks drinks drinks~ Water? Drinks~ Oh hello slutty bathroom pics for Sir, where have you been the past coupla weeks?
  • Baby I made it, and there’s some car trouble, but I’m with Sir and we’re drinking before dinner, I love you!!
  • Tow truck toe truck tow truck toe truck~ (I’m a happy drunk when I am allowed to drink~)
  • Damn it that comic got smushed in transit…. at least it wasn’t the Paperback~
  • mmmmm takeout asian food~ yay! God I love lemon chicken…. fucking hell I love Lemon Chicken~ It’s nice to be back. Damn it I miss my boy.
  • Can we please just all move to the same city soon, PLEASE? ❤

lenyberry:

fierceawakening:

ayanasartstuff replied to your post “who all keep on blocking me fpsosjgodf…”

Yep. And I seriously wonder about people who don’t realize that even the most vanilla loving soft sweet sex can leave a person worked up and wound up enough that they’d need coaxing down. Hell, I need quote unquote “aftercare” from going to a concert because of how music effects me!

yeah, so much of bdsm care stuff is handy in SO MANY SITUATIONS like i don’t even get this crap

There’s a REASON why “cuddling after sex” is a Thing. Lots of people do it because it’s great for calming down after doing a thing that got you worked up! If you had an orgasm, you had an adrenaline spike. You can obviously have adrenaline spikes without orgasms, but you can’t have orgasms without adrenaline spikes. Similarly, “smoking after sex” is a Thing for the same reasons that a lot of people who smoke, will smoke more when they’re more stressed or will particularly want a smoke break to calm down after an adrenaline-raising experience of a less pleasurable nature. And falling asleep after sex is a side effect of being in a horizontal position and relaxed when the adrenaline crash hits.

Not everyone needs the same things out of post-sex experiences all the time, and BDSM aftercare sometimes includes more specific stuff to alleviating the lingering physical discomforts that can come from a scene, but… fucking hell. 

I’m not kinky. I’ve still hit “drop” and spent approximately ten minutes sobbing uncontrollably after a round of entirely vanilla sex (missionary position and everything). Which I thoroughly enjoyed and enthusiastically consented to, btw. Because I’d had a lot of built-up emotional stress that I’d been suppressing, having an orgasm spiked my adrenaline, and that broke the dam that was holding it all back. After checking that I wasn’t crying from being upset or in pain because of something he’d done unknowingly, my boyfriend just got me tissues, put on the kettle for some herbal tea, asked if I wanted to talk about anything, then snuggled me until I got it all out of my system. That’s aftercare. No kink necessary.

Just most people who aren’t kinky don’t think to define it as such, they just do it anyway because it’s The Thing That’s Done and also they like doing it even if they don’t fully understand why it’s such a Thing.

Ok, as a kinky person, I would like to tactfully point out, that Cuddling isn’t the be-all end-all of aftercare…? Like. I get why and how it’s become the stereotype, or even the norm in a lot of local scenes. But I also personally know bottoms, subs, AND SLAVES, who want nothing to do with physical contact post-scene and it’s not because they feel traumatized. One lady requests a cup of tea and to be left in peace for about fifteen minutes; because her drop is fairly peaceful and she finds it more relaxing to sit quietly and meditate on the experience and bring it back to her Master.

Another would rather get a massage from his partner, because Rope is intense and painful and a gentle massage works the knots out of his muscles better than just sitting in one place for them to lock up further. 

Some people would rather have sex after and THAT is their Aftercare. 

I know one Sadomasochist and one-time-slave who views it as “Afterpandering” and won’t cuddle as a bottom OR a Top, because “This is supposed to be fun, and if you can’t handle yourself, we won’t be playing together.” Which, as she’s stated many times, she tells all potential playmates and it’s written all over her profiles.

I’m one of those who doesn’t mind some hair petting when I’m the bottom, but I’d rather put my head in my Sir’s lap and discuss the scene at length and debrief about the emotional repercussions, the technical aspects, and how my body is responding because I have permanent injuries that often play up during a scene. {Particularly if we’re Dancing. I’ll explain if you care-} I really only want intense snuggling if we we’re doing heavy psychological play, and I had an emotional/physical release. Collapse, crying, body shakes, or even a full blown panic attack or flashback…. cuz I’ve got PTSD~

As a Top and a Sadist, I really only want to cuddle if it’s clear my bottom wants it. I’m fine being nurturing and attentive, and I enjoy it if they are. But if they’d rather sit quietly to come back on their own, or have a cup of tea, or listen to music with headphones in the corner, or anything other than touch…. I’m ok with that. I’ll eventually need to be dropped back into a submissive mindset anyway because my primary relationship is a 24/7 Authority Exchange, but generally I can find my way on my own. {All it usually takes is being told to kneel, and sometimes to kiss His feet. Super soothing mentally, and I usually get hair pets~}

WARNING: Frank sex talk ahead:

 Since sex for Sir and I often gets a little psychological and plays with a lot of D/s and objectification themes, we’ll lay beside each other in bed and either talk, or I’ll do some light body worship, or something similar because 1: it’s too damn hot in the South to be snuggling in the summer, 2: we’re generally all sweaty and that’s Ew, and 3: we were just all over each other so why….? Though again, if it was a bit Much, I get head petting and praise~ And that’s enough for a lot of people.