I know a lot of my active hostility towards polyamory is born of bitterness and resentment, but like, even if I put that aside I still don’t get the appeal. Dating sucks, why would you wanna keep doing it after you get a partner?
Eh, some people (read: those who do well on the dating market) enjoy the process and are neophiles, or find it to suck less if there’s less pressure. Also, some people have given up hope of getting everything they want/need in one partner, basically this old joke, but too lazy/moral/poor to not tell them the others exist, plus extra bonus possible threesomes, which was pretty much my thing when I was poly.
I know very few poly people who “date” in the sense of explicitly seeking other partners, probably because OP is correct that it does indeed suck. For me, and for most of my friends, it’s about having the *option* to pursue romantic relationships should the opportunity arise. We’re not getting drinks with Tinder randos every weekend; we’re just not gonna say no to chemistry if it shows itself.
(Until pretty recently, I had had no interest in anyone other than my fiancé for quite a long time. I still identified as poly, because I wasn’t *against* the idea of meeting someone – I was just very Over the whole dating scene. And then I, uh, fell in love with a longtime acquaintance and now he’s my boyfriend, so there’s that.)
Well, I’m about to get personal~ Here’s your warning. So.
I was forced into monogamy by my husband; he shut down four other relationships systematically and without remorse; and I lived five years like that because tbh I was trapped. And then after a lot of other bullshit that killed that relationship even though I couldn’t financially LEAVE, I met my current Partner.
We were functionally monogamous for about a year and a half, just due to my abandonment issues and a lot of other crap. It wasn’t healthy to bring other people into that relationship. But, over time and with another very kind and considerate couple, we at least figured out enough of my stability issues to move forwards.
The opportunity arose to reconnect with one of my “exes” that my ex-husband forced from my life and, since we parted under duress and had BOTH made strides in becoming more complete, mature adults than when we parted… with the consent of my Partner and some mutual discussions, we got back together.
The caring for him didn’t ever really go away. It was sublimated sure, and I tried really hard to just be friends with him and not cross lines. And we didn’t. But the chemistry and attraction was pretty undeniable, and it got to a point where we either said something, or had to stop being friends to keep from crossing those lines. I don’t like “The Dating Scene” either. I hate loud noises and strangers, so clubbing is out if I’m alone, I can’t get drunk on my own because so many reasons so the bar scene is out, and tbph, I’m transgender. So just using Tindr or some other app is BOUND to end poorly. {It’s always chasers, “just wanna experiment-ers” or assholes. And some of the assholes are murderous~}
Dating doesn’t hold appeal for me. But not demanding that one partner be the be-all end-all of my romantic entanglement is very stress relieving, for all of us. My Partner doesn’t feel the need to be overly sappy and poetic; very against His nature; and my boyfriend doesn’t feel the need to provide for my transition and make sure I’m looked after financially. In fact, our roles are functionally reversed. My Partner looks after me and makes sure I’m looked-after, and I get to serve the same function for my boyfriend. It exercises two sides of my nature that I couldn’t engage with any other way, while simultaneously providing fulfilling relationships to two people.
It’s very soothing, really, to know that the Man I sleep with at night knows and encourages me to get my Romantic needs taken care of elsewhere. That He’s content to cuddle and love me, and to roll over and sleep while I go have a nice long video chat with my boyfriend; and even to send me up to see him so we can be Gay Romantics together.
I tend to be poly-saturated at three partners. There is no time left for anything but maintaining those relationships, though. No room for emergencies, time to myself, or really ANYTHING but putting out emotional fires and scrambling around. I’m most comfortable with just two. It feels balanced, harmonious. Some part of that would be at war with another relationship if I tried to add anyone different, BUT. If one of my loves decided that THEY would like to date; particularly my Partner let’s be real; I wouldn’t mind seeing them casually. But the big, overblown, Romantic declarations and what feels like Life-Love and not just another few-year fling, no. That belongs to my Partner and my boyfriend.
“do you remember the first time you were called annoying? how your breath stopped short in your chest
the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue.
your eyes never left the floor that day. you were 13. you’re 20 now, and i still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,”
apologies littering every other sentence,
words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years. i could listen to you forever, though i know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious. all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard
for 3 minutes
for 10 minutes
for 2 hours forever. there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;
mostly because they can’t handle their own. but you will never be
and have never been
“too much.””
Seeing your eyes light up, and the way your face gets animated; watching your hands move as you try to describe what you’re talking about to the guy who doesn’t know the first thing about it… it’s incredible.
We don’t see the world the same way, a lot of the time we’ve got different views. But seeing you like that, it’s so good. I love the way your voice changes when you get excited about something, and I’d do anything to keep you from losing that excitement.
hot tip for poly relationships and the concept of “fairness”
It’s usually more helpful to ask “Am I getting what I need?” rather than “Am I getting the same things as my partner’s other partner?” Not everyone has the same needs, and happiness is found more easily in having your needs met than in having the same things as the people around you.x
A Beauty and the Beast AU where Belle realizing she loves Beast isn’t at some dramatic climactic event but during some randome everyday moment. Like, she’s filing her nails and just kinda glances up at him and he’s like doing something just as dull and it just kinda dawns on her that she loves him but she doesn’t voice it cause she isn’t exactly ready to confront thoes emotions and what they mean so she goes back to filing her nails but then is starts raining glitter and Beast is defying gravity in a glowing ball of light and the castle is changing back and everyone becomes human again. Then everyone is left in silent moment of shock and confusion and Belle, being completely unaware of what it takes to break the curse, is just staring around in horror while everyone freshly humanized comes running into whatever room she and Beast were in (probably the library) expecting to see something other than human Beast in a heap on the ground and Belle across the room in a chair frozen in shock and confusion and everyone just kinda looks at each other for a couple of seconds not realy sure what to say cause nobody is entirely sure what happened other than the curse was broken. Then Beast finaly gets up and looks around and realizes what this means and looks at Belle and is just like “you love me?” And Belle is just like “wat?”
ALTERNATELY: Belle falls in love slowly. As a result, Beast turns back into a human slowly. She overhears him singing in the shower (it’s amazing how old pipes echo) and realizes it’s that song she was trying to teach herself on the piano (okay, that the piano was teaching her). It’s sweet and mundane, and lovely. Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Beast is humming nervously as he looks at the fur clogging the drain. He thought at least he’d be free of male pattern balding since he’s cursed! Later, Belle gets a cold, and Beast brings her soup and sandwiches, and she curses at him because how dare he have such a hearty immune system, and he chuckles and leaves it. After he’s gone, she notices he cut the grilled cheese on the diagonal, crusts off, exactly right. Beast, downstairs, trips and falls, because the sudden lack of toe-claws threw off his balance.
And so on and so forth, so slowly she doesn’t really see it, she just assumes her memories were colored by her fear. Until one day, as he goes out to tend his roses, she yells “Bye, love you!” and when he comes back in, all excited, she nearly beans him with an encyclopedia, because “WHAT THE FUCK, WHO ARE YOU?” and Beast is just “You seriously didn’t notice me turning back into a human? You are so smart… and SO DUMB, I BEEN NEARLY DYING EVERY TIME, WHY DO I LOVE YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL DISASTER WOMAN!”
date idea: you & i, holding each other as we doze sleepily on your couch. im wearing your hoodie that you let me steal, and rain is falling outside; it’s a little cold, but you keep me warm. in your arms, i fall a little more in love with you
House Of Crows 