Tag: relationships

soulvomit:

Some people (even women!) in my age group in some of my extended friend circles, are bemoaning the rise of explicit consent culture. “A man will never grab me passionately and kiss me despite myself,” one hetero woman bemoaned, as if this were a GOOD thing.

But unspoken-hinting/coy flirting culture, mind reading culture, etc isn’t great. It doesnt work across cultural lines, it doesn’t work across neurodivergence lines, it doesn’t work in a hierarchical society where one higher status person can lure a lower status/marginalized person into a situation that ends up with that person in prison or killed/lynched, it doesn’t work in… fuck let’s just say it doesn’t work.

A culture where only an explicit and unambiguous yes means yes, is a rewriting of courtship mores that to me is better for everyone. It’s better for platonic friendship. It’s better for women AND men, it’s better for work relationships, it’s better for everybody, regardless of orientation or gender.

I mean, I get what you’re saying but on the other hand…. over involvement in “can I place my hand one inch above your hip, what about two…? Can I touch your hair when I’m kissing you? How do you feel about-” It’s a lot, and it tends to STAY a lot if that’s what you’re after in every single interaction. No one REALLY wants to stop a makeout session for an hour long discussion about what, precisely, is ok for this one, specific, encounter and then we must start from scratch the very next time we want to kiss each other. 

It is, in fact, possible to negotiate a romance to death.

I don’t ask verbal consent for every kiss I want to give my partners. I really, REALLY PREFER that they don’t ask unless I’m in a terrible mood and it’s OBVIOUS I’m in a terrible mood because really, kisses will probably make it BETTER, not worse. 

And, on that note, being out with my Primary as we were just starting to get involved in the freezing drizzle of a february in texas, and being backed out of the foot traffic and flirted with, and then kissed within an inch of my life was one of my BETTER life experiences. To be frank, it’s a rather cherished memory of mine. 

There is a middle ground between “Make sure this person you’re interested in is compatible, sexually and otherwise with what you want to do together” and “negotiate every bit of minutiae that could or might possible in some conceivable future go wrong~” It’s why yes, implied and blanket consent exists. 

Particularly in communities like kink for instance, where things are negotiated in, not negotiated out. (*Nothing not on the table is even a question, we’re not doing that.*) And once they’re negotiated in, they are in until explicitly stated otherwise. I don’t need to be asked if cuddling is ok, I’d prefer my partner snuggle up if that’s what they need from me. Especially if we’re already in a position where cuddling is easy; watching a movie, reading together, whatever. 

Keep in mind that there are still people alive today who think that a verbal “yes”; to anything remotely sexual; makes them a slut. That is a LOT to unpack, and frankly, they’re of an age I don’t think they NEED to unlearn that. Not so long as their no is being heard when it’s said.

fitzyfoo:

prismatic-bell:

fuckyeahasexual:

enoughtohold:

michigander514:

laurdlannister-kingslayer:

caterpillaremoji:

tarynel:

If you ask someone to get tested before yall engage in sexual activities and they give you a rough time… fucking run. They can keep whatever they have to themselves.

this post is SOOOO ugly.
the only thing i’m running away from is ur HIV stigma honestly

good stay away

Wanting to avoid a disease that will ruin all future chances of having a healthy, physical relationship with someone or producing healthy children is stigma?

hi! i know this post is a bit old, but i have good news! people with HIV can absolutely have happy, healthy lives including sexual relationships with HIV-negative people.

people with HIV who are receiving successful treatment can keep their immune systems strong, and reduce the level of the virus in their blood so low it’s undetectable, which means they can’t transmit the virus! also, PrEP, or pre-exposure prophylaxis, is a medicine HIV-negative people can take to protect themselves from HIV, kind of like the birth control pill.

this way, it’s possible for someone with HIV to conceive a child through sex without transmitting HIV to either partner or baby! and we’ve known how to prevent transmission of HIV from mother to child through treatment for decades. in many places, like new york, it is now actually rare for babies to be born with HIV.

but all of these good things are harder to achieve when we let stigma and lack of information get in the way of prevention, testing, and treatment.

now you know!

The stigma of STDs must be challenged!

– Fae

Okay, here’s the thing, and I think y’all missed it:

Let me use myself as an example.

I have herpes simplex 2. That’s the one that gives you cold sores, and up to 80% of the global population has it. But, even though it’s not genital herpes, if you go down on somebody during an outbreak, they can get herpes 2 in their junk. And it’s nasty. The usual problem is “just” a cold sore, but during severe outbreaks–which can occur if, for example, you’re on antibiotics during an outbreak–you can develop sores on your lips, inside of your mouth, even in your throat. They break, they bleed, they ooze, it sucks. During my last major outbreak (so far my only major outbreak, thankfully) I ate nothing but lukewarm soup for a week.

So now let’s say I have a new partner, and I’m in what I think might be the starting stages of an outbreak. Because I am an honest person, and feel they have the right to informed consent, I’m going to ask if they get cold sores (if the answer is yes, they’re fine, because you can’t get herpes twice). If the answer is no, I’m going to tell them I have herpes 2, explain what that is, and suggest we cool it with the kissing and/or sexytimes until I’m not virus-shedding. And nobody has given me shit for this, ever. I’ve had a couple of people thank me for my honesty. That’s it.

But now let’s say I’m a total shitstain. I know I’m in an outbreak. And I do not tell my partner, and I go down on her. I have decided, for her, that for the rest of her life she should deal with occasional bouts of weeping sores, raw skin, and thick mucous crusts on/in/around her genitals and possibly on and in her mouth.

I’ve given her a lifelong disease. She had no chance to consent or even say “I am willing to take this risk.” Isn’t that basically a form of rape?

So if you ask someone for an STD test and they refuse, they are hiding something and you should run. If you ask for an STD test and they say okay, or just straight-up say “I can get tested to check my viral load but you should know I have HIV,” that person is a keeper. They will be honest with you about their health and yours. They probably have information on how to reduce your transmission risk even further, and will inform you and use that information. (Which doesn’t take the onus off you to do your own research, by the way, it just means you have a starting point.) And as noted above, if their viral load is undetectable, they can’t transmit! I wouldn’t start having regular condomless sex without guidance from a sexual health expert, but you really have very little to fear.

Don’t be afraid of the STD, or the honest person who has it. Be afraid of the person who refuses to disclose.

STI stigma absolutely has to be fought, but at the same time, its absolutely reasonable to be wary of a person who refuses to tell you if they have an STI/gets angry at you for asking if they have one/to get tested bc it’s just you taking care of yourself. as the comment above outlines, STIs can be extremely damaging and if you knowingly infect someone you’re a fucking scumbag, especially if it’s an especially serious one such as HIV because it can develop into AIDS if untreated.

YUP.

I get cold sores. And you know what would suck really really fuckin bad? if I ended up getting that virus in my eyes; which can blind you tbh; on my genitalia, or by some accidental brush when shedding… MY PARTNERS GOT IT. Now sure, one’s got it and is asymptomatic and doesn’t really shed. That’s fine. Y’know what ISNT fine? If my second partner got it because I decided to be a DICK and kiss him when I’m gearing up for an outbreak.

He would be well within his rights to break up with me for my assholery. It’s not STIGMA at that point, it’s self-preservation and acknowledgement of his autonomy and the requirement of INFORMED CONSENT.

He knows I have cold sores sometimes. He knows roughly the rate at which I get them. He knows that he’s taking a calculated risk kissing me…. we’re still not gonna have a makeout sesh when I’m in outbreak, nor am I going down on ANYONE while I’ve got sores on my mouth yo, that’s not right. OBJECTIVELY.

Go On Make Promises

Vienna says before every performance of this song that it was written by herself and a friend, and that she was drinking tea while she wrote her verse, and Paul Freeman was drinking alcohol; whiskey or bourbon; when he wrote his. She also points out just how apt that is for the song that follows… which is HEART WRENCHING in its lyricism and its portrayal of a strained romantic entanglement.

This is a song that many people think heralds someone on the verge of breakup or divorce. The wife in frustration snarking to herself about unending laundry, an absent partner, and how he always seems to know when she’s on the verge of giving up. The guy who “comes sweeping in with his long-stemmed bloom” and allows herself to be swept off her feet, even though she’s paying the price for the fantasy. (Got my full-price ticket to your fantasy show-) 

And oh gods have I been there!!

I’ve done the legal marriage thing. I’ve done the pissed-off domestic partner thing. I’ve done the homemaker and breadwinner thing both, and sometimes at the same time and I understand that frustration on a deep level. But… I also see a male partner who, despite his shortcomings and the frustration of the daily grind, refuses to let it end like that. So perhaps, not so very on the verge as first appears.

“I see a future in spite of the past.” “If you think I’m quitting, you’re shit out of luck!” And, the thing is, it’s not scanning as “we’re going to make it work because we got married and divorce isn’t an option don’t even say it,” but more what’s in the lyrics. “We built it, WE burnt it, I’m not giving up.”
It’s so difficult to acknowledge your own part in things when it goes wrong, especially when it would be easier to blame your partner. But there he is, acknowledging it. “Hey, we didn’t do what we said we were going to, and I’m owning my part, and I don’t want to just fold and walk away.” That’s… really bittersweet and DAMNED if it doesn’t make me nearly cry every damned time I hear it!

So there he is, wandering through the city, finding some space alone to think; “From the walls of the city, to the ends of the pier”; thinking about what his partner has told him about her frustration and the arguments they’ve had; “I still hear those words of yours, ring in my ear.” AND HE COMES TO THE CONCLUSION THAT, even though they are BOTH at fault; re: communication or frustration or whatever; HE isn’t giving up so easily. 

“The deafening silence of all our mistakes, These bruised but unbroken vows” He’s fucked up, and he knows he’s fucked up, but he hasn’t broken his promises just yet. They’ve both got sidetracked, and maybe haven’t done everything they SHOULD have, but he’s still here, and willing to try harder and do better if at all possible, and won’t she please let him try?

And then they’re singing together again, and just… omg it’s hOPEFUL and yeah maybe you can’t keep EVERY promise, but you can promise to TRY right??

“There’s so many words that should make us afraid
But we still say out loud-” And then they’re encouraging each other to “go on, make promises you can’t keep-” because they’re still there, and they’re willing to make them even if they know they can’t necessarily be kept. And then she’s singing HIS lyrics

“I see a future in spite of the past-” and it’s at once reminiscing AND moving forward, even as she admits again “Got my full-price ticket to your fantasy show” while he’s standing there singing his heart out to “go on and make promises.” 

This song, man. Hits me right in the heart like a kick to the ribs every fucking time. I’ve held onto relationships I shouldn’t have and asked for promises I KNEW were going to be broken and that I’d walk away. But… I’ve also COME BACK to relationships that broke through no fault of ours; except perhaps not fighting harder for each other; and yeah. Those were some bruised vows, but not UNBROKEN ones because were still there, and still willing to pick up where we left off and build it BETTER. And that… that means so much to me.

Honestly the decorating and fixing is what I’m looking forward to the MOST about this move! Getting to collaborate with my partner, put together something that suits us both and is soothing to exist in… 

A living room that facilitates conversation or gaming.

A cohesive, workable kitchen space that gives some form to the function.

A cozy basement suitable for hanging out, a back patio for cookouts and inviting friends over for an hour or three?

And using the already-done parts of the house to make it into something mature instead of a proto-dorm. I’m… REALLY ambivalent about the corrugated metal backsplash, let me tell you. BUT. Using what’s there to inspire a kind of post-industrial modern cottage vibe? I’m ALL over that! Bring on the DIY console tables and woven-look cheaper area rugs. Bring on the weekends painting and deep cleaning the basement. Bring on the working together and working it out.

phantomchick:

badgyal-k:

youngblackandvegan:

preach

Muva been woke

BOOM.

The difference between co-dependence and inter-dependence. Or, if you’d rather… Necessity, and Appreciation.

I do not REQUIRE a partner. I PREFER having one, and even more than one. I enjoy being inter-dependent with my partners because it’s nice to feel needed and I like my contributions being valued in the same way mine are valued. 

funereal-disease:

The other thing about age gaps is that most arguments against them rely on, and thus reify, existing prejudices.

“There must be something wrong with him if he can’t get women his own age.” Okay, let’s unpack what might be “wrong” with such a person. Maybe he doesn’t want to be a father and most women his age either want children or have them already. Maybe he prefers casual relationships and thus seeks women who aren’t ready to settle down. Maybe he has less money than other men his age, so his lifestyle meshes better with someone who’s living on a student budget. Maybe he’s involved in a hobby or subculture that skews younger. Maybe he’s a virgin and wants a similarly inexperienced partner. Maybe he’s seeking someone of a particular religion or culture that’s a minority in his area. Maybe he’s developmentally disabled!

None of these things is wrong. All of them are mocked for not conforming to the “normal” trajectory of adult life. And yeah, maybe the thing that’s “wrong with him” is that he’s a tool and all the women his age are sick of his shit and know better. That does happen. But the way actual jackass behavior is so often conflated with things like “has a low-earning job” and “has stereotypically youthful hobbies” is rather telling. It’s not at all easy to divorce actual fears of predation from prejudice against adults who don’t adult “properly”. I wish we’d stop acting like bigotry never informs these things.

Ok. As someone who was abused by someone twice my age at 15-18, again with my ex-husband being a gaslighting asshole who was at least 11 years my senior, and then again emotionally manipulated and blamed for my ex-boyfriend’s shit who was 36 when I was 22; a difference of 13.5ish years….

there are generally some issues with someone who seeks out younger partners. 

That doesn’t mean that those issues will necessarily lead to abuse. It doesn’t mean that they are by nature toxic assholes who should be left in a tar pit somewhere. It DOES mean that the LIKELIHOOD of abuse; intentional or otherwise; is higher. It is a Red Flag.

Red flags do not automatically mean that something is Bad Wrong and must be nuked from orbit. Red flags DO mean “hey this is fishy you need to do some digging before moving forward or otherwise gtfo” depending on your experience and worldview. 

You are right. There is nothing inherently evil about someone whose needs do not mesh with his current age group. HOWEVER. If they are incapable of moving past that into at least more emotional maturity any relationship they are involved in is going to suffer. And suffer more the longer it’s allowed to continue. 

more below the cut

Take my ex husband for an example. He probably didn’t MEAN to be abusive. Our relationship started out ok. He was an immature kinda douchey guy who preferred Final Fantasy Online and pjs to literally anything else, including work. He was a navy vet who served a single turn and was only honorably discharged by the skin of his teeth for “not meshing well with the unit and inability to deal well with Authority.” Read: he’s a lazy asshole who doesn’t like following orders and hid in the galley instead of DOING HIS GOD DAMNED JOB. A partner like that’s kinda ok to crash with for awhile. Hang out, do your own thing, whatever. You can mostly live on two nights of security and military pay for being “disabled.” (He’s not. He’s got some real mental health issues he REFUSES to get looked at, but hey. 850 a month is still 850 a month.) 

Thing is, you don’t MARRY that kind of person unless that’s the sum total of your ambition. Have a roof, eat ok, and do nothing for the rest of your life and eventually wither away into nothing except knowing that you reached the FFXIV level cap a couple times. You especially don’t marry that when you know they refuse to get mental help, won’t allow YOU to get mental help, demand you fit their mold of a “cute fluffy neko-creature” dressed in pastels and fluff and allow yourself to be flaunted as that…. even if you’re trans and need to transition for your health and mental stability. 

You REALLY DO NOT marry that if they hold you down during a panic attack because “Well you might have hit me and that’s disrespectful and I’m not putting up with that.” You DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT marry that if they nuke your other relationships; friend and romantic alike even though you were in FOUR relationships when you met; so you can be their sole prize always and forever… and go on to sabotage any further romantic entanglements you might find that are even remotely healthy because “lol no stay here and be my kitty~” *GAG*

My older long-distance ex boyfriend? probably didn’t mean to be abusive or toxic either. And it’s only been with a lot of distance that I can see how toxic he really was. For instance, switching relationship roles on you at the drop of the hat forcing you to suddenly become the responsible adult when you need some guidance and help from an older; supposedly; more mature partner. 

Manipulating you emotionally so that you cannot deal with sudden homelessness, pending divorce, your own budding emotional attachment to a local person, AND managing their emotions into the bargain… because if you don’t you’re a horrible person and you’re Just Like My Ex~

Add in some AvPD, a lot of emotional baggage, and the incapability to be a functioning adult while his partner is going through hell trying to make everything work out so I’m not homeless and SIMULTANEOUSLY NOT OFFERING ME A SPACE WITH HIM EVEN AS A BACK UP… 

No. There’s nothing wrong with legal adults getting into relationships with other legal adults, even with large age gaps. But you cannot sit there and tell me that ex boyfriend IMMEDIATELY looking for another partner; even younger than me holy SHIT she was in fucking HIGH SCHOOL WHEN THEY MET; isn’t shady af and creepy as hell. You cannot tell me that these immature people; and I have girlfriend stories too holy SHIT in case you think it’s just men~; aren’t toxic and shouldn’t spend a large chunk of time alone to ATTEMPT to grow a personality and some maturity, isn’t a damned good idea.

chittychittycoco:

blondetrash:

bohoindie:

date the person who says, “have fun, be safe, and call if you need anything” not the person who gets mad at you for going out w/o them

partnership not ownership

Reblog until I die

and even on the off chance that you are INTO the “consensual ownership” thing…. still only be with someone who doesn’t isolate you from the world because no single person should be your one and only support. Let your partner[s] have friends they can see without you, assholes.

Do you believe it’s okay to have sex with someone, such as myself actually, who, due to a bunch of different brainweirds, isn’t able to meaningfully provide consent but defaults to “yes” when asked?

Well, to be honest with you, anon, my answer is going to be “No.” Not because of your brainweirds or any other reason but because I am in a; particularly for the moment; closed polycule and am quite happily polysaturated. More partners just aren’t in the cards for me. Two is more than enough. 

Now that said… I take issue with people sending me “Gotcha!” asks like this. It serves no real purpose, and to be frank with you, I find it a little offensive. THAT said… if you cannot say no, you cannot meaningfully say yes. The reverse; to a more limited extent; is also true. That is the default of consent that I, personally, am working from outside of particular relationship dynamics I have in play with my partners.

If I WERE to be the sort to proposition you, Anon, I’d be asking you how you feel about certain activities and whether or not you regret them after the fact. I would be asking you more than just “do you consent” because I, like many others involved with kink, want to know the WHYS of limits not just the limits, wherever possible. Because “I don’t like whips” is a lot different than “the pop sound of the cracker and the intense sting make me feel Some Kinda Way and I don’t want to panic about it.” The first is a limit definitely! The second takes a lot of other, similar, toys off the table because it’s not about the limit, it’s about respecting the CONTEXT of the limit. 

Look for someone who takes your answer for what it is, including its context, wherever possible. And, in the meantime, maybe examine the why and how your Brainweirds interact with your consent, yeah…? 

fierceawakening:

gayer-than-you:

madammuffins:

caffeinewitchcraft:

Relationships get so bananas when you start deciphering the other person’s love language.

Like I thought I was just acquaintances with this person because they never told me details about themselves and we just talked movies and writing . But then they made time to have coffee with me and they showed up out of breath because they ran. Like. RAN to be on time for coffee with me?

And I was like “i don’t mind waiting” cause I never want to run

But they said they wanted every minute they could get because I’m so busy usually

Which is when it clicked that I didn’t get how much they considered me a friend because I just straight away didn’t see MY signs of affection in them and went “cool! Casual buds it is.” But now that I’m seeing their signs of affection, I feel a little silly for dismissing them like that even though I felt like we could be best bros.

Anyway, some people show affection through time or intensity or commitment and not vocally. I really have to remember that!

Fyi- just in case you didn’t know.

TOUCH got a bro that likes to give high fives? Back slaps? Are they a hugger? Do they not blink an eye at cuddles?

QUALITY TIME this bro will (as op stated) sprint to spend every minute possible with you. Every second that you guys are together is a declaration of affection.

WORDS does your bro tell you how amazing and great and fantastic and wonderful you are all the time? Guess what…?

GIFTS do they buy you coffee? Snacks, energy drinks, spot you at the restaurant? Did that one key chain removed you of them? Ding ding!

ACTS are they always doing things for you? Ie: Nah bro, I got this, I can do that, need me to get anything for you, I can help with…?

PRO TIP – The way people show love is often how they receive love as well.

I reblogged this recently but it got better and ive been thinking and learning a lot abt love languages so

I totally give gifts. I have very little interest in shopping unless it is for other people and then I have a blast trying to find little treasures to give them to make them happy. 😁💜

(This is one reason I like having femme gfs, it’s so fun to buy them little sparkly things!)