lenyberry:

xenoqueer:

@morbidly-queerious and @fierceawakening are quite involved in the politics of kink. 

Here’s a link to kink discussions and analyses on my own blog.

The journal of positive sexuality (a peer reviewed journal about the psychology of sexuality) discusses kink from time to time, but tends to look at it through a sociological rather than a personal lens, for obvious reasons.

If you can grab a copy, I’m assured that The Color of Kink: Black Women, BDSM, and Pornography, is an excellent resource on this subject as well, as it is deeply detailed, contains a wealth of first hand experiences, and discusses the ways that physical pain can be empowering to marginalized peoples when we choose it for ourselves. However, I have never read it, so I’m afraid I can’t give it a full seal of approval or anything.

Anon, it might help to think of comparisons to things that you find clearly ok. 

Do you feel like it’s ok for a person to choose to put themselves in pain by going to the gym and doing a workout that leaves them with sore muscles? Do you feel like it’s ok for them to enjoy that soreness afterwards? 

Do you feel like it’s ok for a person to enjoy reading stories that evoke emotional reactions of sadness? To love a book that makes them cry? 

Do you feel like it’s ok for a person to choose to risk serious bodily harm by playing sports or engaging in activities such as skydiving?

If those things are all ok for you, then consider: 

What’s the difference, to you, between feeling satisfaction from the pain of a hard workout and feeling satisfaction from the pain of receiving a consensual spanking? Between enjoying reading a book that evokes tears, and enjoying participating in a roleplay scene that does the same? Between risking physical harm playing football or jumping out of an airplane for an adrenaline rush, and taking similar risks with BDSM play?

What makes the above listed things acceptable to you, but consensual kink not?

Is that a distinction that actually makes sense to draw, or is it based on some vague icky feeling about “deviant” sexual behaviors? Is it, maybe, the idea that someone’s actually *getting off* that makes it seem bad and wrong, and not actually concerns about safety and the risk of harm; is it maybe not really about pain and tears but about sex? 

This is all a thought exercise, you don’t have to answer. It’s a process I find useful for walking through things I feel negatively about but suspect that the negative feelings stem from Social Bullshit I’ve been indoctrinated with rather than actual sense, just questioning why is this thing bad if this other similar thing is ok. 

Hey Anon. Real life kinky person here, there are discussions and posts about kink tagged on my blog. As someone who engages in the darker side of psychological play and D/s dynamics with one of my Partners, if you have questions about some of those kinks, you can feel free to message me. 

Some explanations and stuff after the cut.

I like Sadomasochistic behavior for the same reasons other people enjoy super spicy food, horror movies, and bungee jumping. I’m a wimp when it comes to spice, I don’t enjoy horror movies, and taking my life in my hands doesn’t seem safe. On the other hand, someone I trust implicitly using floggers I watched Him make with loving, careful, exacting Craftsmanship…? Oh that’s NICE. Like a deep tissue massage it warms the skin and prepares me for whatever He decides comes next. 

I like knowing I can trust Him to craft a scene we’ll both find enjoyable, even if in the moment it’s painful and scary. Going through that together binds us closer, and in many ways it’s just as pleasurable as it is painful. I enjoy submitting to the pain, even though my instincts tell me not to. I enjoy the inner battle with myself and proving I’m stronger than I give myself credit for being. 

Of course it hurts! But it hurts in the same way that sparring hurts, or really rough, good sex hurts. Because the endorphin rush after is just the same as any other adrenaline-pumping activity. It can leave you feeling giddy, exhausted, emotionally drained… and yes, sometimes that emotional release means you cry. But my Partner is there to catch me, and our after-scene debriefing time gives me space to tell Him what I liked, what I didn’t, and where He can push me further next time.

I’m going to use a REALLY EXTREME example to illustrate this point. We play with things I’m actually triggered by. We engage with my PTSD. We both have and had reservations about that play style, and what it meant for the relationship. That’s why we both put in a year of research into the pitfalls and potential issues before even DISCUSSING the scene. And then we brought our independent research to each other and said “Here are the pros and cons, these are the risks, where is the circle of acceptable risk? What can we potentially get away with, and what happens if it all goes wrong?” 

Because we’re responsible adults. We engage with this, in this way, because of our relationship style. He leads, I follow. I need the structure that sort of relationship provides, and He needs the control. That authority exchange is happening between consenting adults, who understand what it means because we TALKED about it and explained our definitions before we began. 

So far, we’re a statistical anomaly. We tend not to engage with my triggers that way unless we’re already in a good space in our relationship, with enough free time to handle the pitfalls. (Like at the start of a three or four day weekend, with plenty of time to talk. Not mid-week when I’ll be alone for the next three days, all day.)

I still don’t recommend that play style, even though it’s worked out well for us the four times we’ve tried it. Especially not to newbies, because it’s something you should only engage in after knowing your triggers, why they exist, and how they affect you. Exposure therapy and anything equating it should only be undertaken by a Medical Professional… but. That’s why it doesn’t fall under any of the acronyms like

Risk Aware Consensual Kink. I’m aware of the risks but is my Partner?

Personally Responsible, Informed, Consensual Kink? Well maybe. I’m putting MYSELF in this position by agreeing to this, I know the risks and I’m still consenting, and they’re in the same boat. But this isn’t just a nice heavy flogging where I might have a few welts or light bruising that’ll disappear in a few days…

Balls Out, Risky Kink? Oh yeah. Definitely. Potentially retraumatizing myself for the opportunity to have an orchestrated breakdown mid-scene before reliving my past because Dat Endorphin Rush Tho? Oh yeah~ That seems about right. Let’s go with that.

Particularly since it’s not really of the Safe Sane Consensual type of kink because let’s be honest, no kink is actually safe. Even fuzzy handcuffs can cut off circulation, and the silk rope you buy at the sex shop can get collapsed knots you have to cut off because it won’t untie easily. (That’s why you use cotton, nylon, or natural fiber like Jute or Hemp. It’s not safe, but it’s SAFER and that’s the distinction here.) Edge play; play that toes the line of what is acceptable, or considered ‘safe’; isn’t inherently better or worse than other play styles. But it is different, and it demands personal responsibility. If you don’t disclose something to your Top, and something goes wrong because of it…? You share responsibility with them, because it’s on you to be honest. (”Hey I have a trigger about whips”, and you go to a known whip Top for play without telling them? Don’t DO That!)

I’ve got a feeling that you’re coming at this from the place a lot of vanilla-leaning people are. That kink is automatically abusive because a man in control of a female bodied person is abusive. That you cannot consent to assault. That anything that LOOKS like abuse MUST BE abuse, because well, who could or would consent to bruising or some of the things we get up to? 

Well, with consent, anything adults get up to together is, well, consensual. That encompasses everything from slow, gentle lovemaking sort of sex; that honest to Gods just cannot get me off; to bruises and boot kissing. Different strokes for different folks, as they say. 

Some people really enjoy the sensation of fear, some people have violation or molestation fantasies that they can only explore with another consenting adult. Sometimes, you really just want to turn your brain off and act like a cute puppy for an hour or two, be stroked and loved on, and get hand-fed treats. Sometimes, nothing sounds better than getting the crap smacked out of you, until you’re crying, because nothing else can make you and you’ve been bottling your emotions and you need a release to be able to talk about what’s bothering you. 

Sometimes, you want to know your partner stills cares enough to give you what you need. Sometimes, that thing isn’t a night on the town, but it IS a nice long spanking until you’re wiggling and red and sore, and then to be held and told you did well. And then taken out for ice cream because ice cream is amazing.