Tag: kink

lenyberry:

house-of-crows:

lenyberry:

fierceawakening:

ayanasartstuff replied to your post “who all keep on blocking me fpsosjgodf…”

Yep. And I seriously wonder about people who don’t realize that even the most vanilla loving soft sweet sex can leave a person worked up and wound up enough that they’d need coaxing down. Hell, I need quote unquote “aftercare” from going to a concert because of how music effects me!

yeah, so much of bdsm care stuff is handy in SO MANY SITUATIONS like i don’t even get this crap

There’s a REASON why “cuddling after sex” is a Thing. Lots of people do it because it’s great for calming down after doing a thing that got you worked up! If you had an orgasm, you had an adrenaline spike. You can obviously have adrenaline spikes without orgasms, but you can’t have orgasms without adrenaline spikes. Similarly, “smoking after sex” is a Thing for the same reasons that a lot of people who smoke, will smoke more when they’re more stressed or will particularly want a smoke break to calm down after an adrenaline-raising experience of a less pleasurable nature. And falling asleep after sex is a side effect of being in a horizontal position and relaxed when the adrenaline crash hits.

Not everyone needs the same things out of post-sex experiences all the time, and BDSM aftercare sometimes includes more specific stuff to alleviating the lingering physical discomforts that can come from a scene, but… fucking hell. 

I’m not kinky. I’ve still hit “drop” and spent approximately ten minutes sobbing uncontrollably after a round of entirely vanilla sex (missionary position and everything). Which I thoroughly enjoyed and enthusiastically consented to, btw. Because I’d had a lot of built-up emotional stress that I’d been suppressing, having an orgasm spiked my adrenaline, and that broke the dam that was holding it all back. After checking that I wasn’t crying from being upset or in pain because of something he’d done unknowingly, my boyfriend just got me tissues, put on the kettle for some herbal tea, asked if I wanted to talk about anything, then snuggled me until I got it all out of my system. That’s aftercare. No kink necessary.

Just most people who aren’t kinky don’t think to define it as such, they just do it anyway because it’s The Thing That’s Done and also they like doing it even if they don’t fully understand why it’s such a Thing.

Ok, as a kinky person, I would like to tactfully point out, that Cuddling isn’t the be-all end-all of aftercare…? Like. I get why and how it’s become the stereotype, or even the norm in a lot of local scenes. But I also personally know bottoms, subs, AND SLAVES, who want nothing to do with physical contact post-scene and it’s not because they feel traumatized. One lady requests a cup of tea and to be left in peace for about fifteen minutes; because her drop is fairly peaceful and she finds it more relaxing to sit quietly and meditate on the experience and bring it back to her Master.

Another would rather get a massage from his partner, because Rope is intense and painful and a gentle massage works the knots out of his muscles better than just sitting in one place for them to lock up further. 

Some people would rather have sex after and THAT is their Aftercare. 

I know one Sadomasochist and one-time-slave who views it as “Afterpandering” and won’t cuddle as a bottom OR a Top, because “This is supposed to be fun, and if you can’t handle yourself, we won’t be playing together.” Which, as she’s stated many times, she tells all potential playmates and it’s written all over her profiles.

I’m one of those who doesn’t mind some hair petting when I’m the bottom, but I’d rather put my head in my Sir’s lap and discuss the scene at length and debrief about the emotional repercussions, the technical aspects, and how my body is responding because I have permanent injuries that often play up during a scene. {Particularly if we’re Dancing. I’ll explain if you care-} I really only want intense snuggling if we we’re doing heavy psychological play, and I had an emotional/physical release. Collapse, crying, body shakes, or even a full blown panic attack or flashback…. cuz I’ve got PTSD~

As a Top and a Sadist, I really only want to cuddle if it’s clear my bottom wants it. I’m fine being nurturing and attentive, and I enjoy it if they are. But if they’d rather sit quietly to come back on their own, or have a cup of tea, or listen to music with headphones in the corner, or anything other than touch…. I’m ok with that. I’ll eventually need to be dropped back into a submissive mindset anyway because my primary relationship is a 24/7 Authority Exchange, but generally I can find my way on my own. {All it usually takes is being told to kneel, and sometimes to kiss His feet. Super soothing mentally, and I usually get hair pets~}

WARNING: Frank sex talk ahead:

 Since sex for Sir and I often gets a little psychological and plays with a lot of D/s and objectification themes, we’ll lay beside each other in bed and either talk, or I’ll do some light body worship, or something similar because 1: it’s too damn hot in the South to be snuggling in the summer, 2: we’re generally all sweaty and that’s Ew, and 3: we were just all over each other so why….? Though again, if it was a bit Much, I get head petting and praise~ And that’s enough for a lot of people.

That’s a good addition! 

I didn’t mean to imply that cuddling is ALL there is to aftercare, rather to point out that it at least can very easily qualify as such, and that non-kinky people do aftercare-qualifying things after vanilla sex all the time, they just think of it as “what we do after sex” instead of naming it. To the point that some of them are romance-fic tropes, like having a cuddle and/or a cigarette. And also that vanilla sex can be intense enough to trigger emotional release such that someone ends up requiring obvious aftercare, too.

And yeah, trust people to know what they need when they tell you how they’d prefer to be cared for. In general, not just in BDSM contexts.

I didn’t take it as you implying that! Just saying, there’s an even broader world that those types are ignoring in their rush to villainize “bdsm is evil cuz they make you pay for snuggles with pain.” 

lenyberry:

fierceawakening:

ayanasartstuff replied to your post “who all keep on blocking me fpsosjgodf…”

Yep. And I seriously wonder about people who don’t realize that even the most vanilla loving soft sweet sex can leave a person worked up and wound up enough that they’d need coaxing down. Hell, I need quote unquote “aftercare” from going to a concert because of how music effects me!

yeah, so much of bdsm care stuff is handy in SO MANY SITUATIONS like i don’t even get this crap

There’s a REASON why “cuddling after sex” is a Thing. Lots of people do it because it’s great for calming down after doing a thing that got you worked up! If you had an orgasm, you had an adrenaline spike. You can obviously have adrenaline spikes without orgasms, but you can’t have orgasms without adrenaline spikes. Similarly, “smoking after sex” is a Thing for the same reasons that a lot of people who smoke, will smoke more when they’re more stressed or will particularly want a smoke break to calm down after an adrenaline-raising experience of a less pleasurable nature. And falling asleep after sex is a side effect of being in a horizontal position and relaxed when the adrenaline crash hits.

Not everyone needs the same things out of post-sex experiences all the time, and BDSM aftercare sometimes includes more specific stuff to alleviating the lingering physical discomforts that can come from a scene, but… fucking hell. 

I’m not kinky. I’ve still hit “drop” and spent approximately ten minutes sobbing uncontrollably after a round of entirely vanilla sex (missionary position and everything). Which I thoroughly enjoyed and enthusiastically consented to, btw. Because I’d had a lot of built-up emotional stress that I’d been suppressing, having an orgasm spiked my adrenaline, and that broke the dam that was holding it all back. After checking that I wasn’t crying from being upset or in pain because of something he’d done unknowingly, my boyfriend just got me tissues, put on the kettle for some herbal tea, asked if I wanted to talk about anything, then snuggled me until I got it all out of my system. That’s aftercare. No kink necessary.

Just most people who aren’t kinky don’t think to define it as such, they just do it anyway because it’s The Thing That’s Done and also they like doing it even if they don’t fully understand why it’s such a Thing.

Ok, as a kinky person, I would like to tactfully point out, that Cuddling isn’t the be-all end-all of aftercare…? Like. I get why and how it’s become the stereotype, or even the norm in a lot of local scenes. But I also personally know bottoms, subs, AND SLAVES, who want nothing to do with physical contact post-scene and it’s not because they feel traumatized. One lady requests a cup of tea and to be left in peace for about fifteen minutes; because her drop is fairly peaceful and she finds it more relaxing to sit quietly and meditate on the experience and bring it back to her Master.

Another would rather get a massage from his partner, because Rope is intense and painful and a gentle massage works the knots out of his muscles better than just sitting in one place for them to lock up further. 

Some people would rather have sex after and THAT is their Aftercare. 

I know one Sadomasochist and one-time-slave who views it as “Afterpandering” and won’t cuddle as a bottom OR a Top, because “This is supposed to be fun, and if you can’t handle yourself, we won’t be playing together.” Which, as she’s stated many times, she tells all potential playmates and it’s written all over her profiles.

I’m one of those who doesn’t mind some hair petting when I’m the bottom, but I’d rather put my head in my Sir’s lap and discuss the scene at length and debrief about the emotional repercussions, the technical aspects, and how my body is responding because I have permanent injuries that often play up during a scene. {Particularly if we’re Dancing. I’ll explain if you care-} I really only want intense snuggling if we we’re doing heavy psychological play, and I had an emotional/physical release. Collapse, crying, body shakes, or even a full blown panic attack or flashback…. cuz I’ve got PTSD~

As a Top and a Sadist, I really only want to cuddle if it’s clear my bottom wants it. I’m fine being nurturing and attentive, and I enjoy it if they are. But if they’d rather sit quietly to come back on their own, or have a cup of tea, or listen to music with headphones in the corner, or anything other than touch…. I’m ok with that. I’ll eventually need to be dropped back into a submissive mindset anyway because my primary relationship is a 24/7 Authority Exchange, but generally I can find my way on my own. {All it usually takes is being told to kneel, and sometimes to kiss His feet. Super soothing mentally, and I usually get hair pets~}

WARNING: Frank sex talk ahead:

 Since sex for Sir and I often gets a little psychological and plays with a lot of D/s and objectification themes, we’ll lay beside each other in bed and either talk, or I’ll do some light body worship, or something similar because 1: it’s too damn hot in the South to be snuggling in the summer, 2: we’re generally all sweaty and that’s Ew, and 3: we were just all over each other so why….? Though again, if it was a bit Much, I get head petting and praise~ And that’s enough for a lot of people.

mod ej, do you have any kinks?

ao3tagoftheday:

ao3tagoftheday:

Ok, I’ve gotten several variants on this ask, because people have somehow gotten the impression that I’m really vanilla or something. Don’t really know how that happened. (Maybe because I don’t like tentacles? Is that the new kinkiness standard?) Anyway, I like to hurt people until they cry and then hurt them some more. It’s really very uncomplicated.

Oh dear lord. All further comments, questions, propositions, and suggestions that I may be a serial killer should be directed to my personal @boytranscending.

Mmmm sadists! Very very fond of Sadists…. and of masochists~

Signs of a fantastic Dom

faesari-bdsm:

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

  1. They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went
  2. They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE
  3. Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)
  4. They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive
  5. Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).
  6. They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.
  7. They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)
  8. They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.
  9. When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements
  10. They respect your hard limits. Doms know hard limits don’t mean “convince me”. They know to stay the fuck away from hard limits with a ten foot freaking pole.

I’m only agreeing with this on a provisional basis, just because 3 and 7….
Some people really DO NOT DO “after pandering.” Some bottoms would rather a cup of tea and to be left completely alone. Some would rather go be with friends and not do aftercare at all. Adults are capable of making their own decisions, and sugar + two hours of cuddling isn’t always on the table. Nor do I particularly agree that if you Top someone you automatically owe them check ins weeks down the line. Once a day or four after the scene to make sure there’s no sudden injuries or weird emotional upheaval? SURE~ But months down the line, that’s your issue; and/or your therapist’s. Someone who Topped you at that party that one time, not so much. If you’veg got that many issues, don’t play headgames as pick up play.

As for seven….that’s true in most instances, yes, but there are some people for whom the discomfort of “no secrets” and the NEED to NOT have secrets is more important; and that goes for Dom and sub. Personally, I’d never expect it of someone I’m Dominant of, but as a submissive… hell, I’m open to @almightyalmighty getting a microchip implanted so He always knows where I am, just because weird shit has happened to me before. 

Now granted, I’m NOT everyone nor am I even particularly the norm…. but when “privacy” comes up, sometimes I cringe a bit, because it feels like I’m being told I’m being abused. Even when I’m the one who pushed for it.

Everything else seems to be spot-on tho.