Now that I’m studying bio, may I just say how fervently I wish my primary association with the words “alpha, beta, omega” was literally anything other than what it is
My nutrition professor was talking about vitamins and said, “the only reason you all even know the words alpha and omega is because of sororities,” and I wanted so badly to raise my hand and be like “if you’re gonna be a dick for some reason, please let me explain to you in depth my immediate connotations for those words”
I’m in training to become a phlebotomist and at my last class we did blood typing and let me tell you when I walked into the lab to see A/B/O written in massive letters on the whiteboard I felt six years come off my lifespan
Sam: *walking about like a cat in booties* oh no… Oh no…
Frodo: *stands up* *immediately falls down*
Merry: you just spend all your time with your feet in… jail? In foot jail?? This is the worst
Pippin: *stomping about* haha Merry look, I’m a human! Get out of my way! I’m in a hurry! Where’s my horse? My name’s Boromir- *trips over laces and goes down hard* ow
Pippin: Merry help I’m stuck Merry *wrenching at shoes* STOP LAUGHING i’M A TOOK WE HAVE WIDE FEET
Merry: why are there so many laces this is so over-complicated
Frodo: *frantically kicking off shoes* nope nope nope nope nope
Gimli: Sam just walk normally
Sam: I don’t know where my feet are!
Gimli: they’re at the ends of your legs lad!
Sam: Mister Frodo help
& while all this is happening literally every other member of the Fellowship losing their gotdamn shit at the sight of a bunch of grown men (+Pippin) unable to figure out how shoes work
Frodo: alright I’m going to try again *stands up* *WHAM* oww
Aragorn: *sobering up* Okay Frodo seriously take those off before you really hurt yourself
~later~
Pippin: I suddenly have a new respect for all you shoe-wearing folks
Boromir: Pippin no offence but that is literally one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard anyone say
security called me at work today and told me they saw me outside chasing a frog around on the security cameras. i wasnt in trouble they just wanted to let me know they saw me. i didn’t catch him.
One time I went to the art museum with my friend and we got into an elevator where there was a very conspicuous camera. My friend looked right into the camera and started salaciously rubbing his shirt over his nipples and giving bedroom eyes to the camera. I smacked him and told him to stop, he was going to get us kicked out. He said “don’t worry, they have a whole museum of fancy art to watch, they’re not watching the elevator cams”.
When we got to the top floor, the elevator doors opened and there was a museum docent standing there like she was just…waiting for us. She said “My friends in security asked me to come up here and tell you that they received your message and they like what you’ve got.” and she just. Walked away. And my friend’s entire body turned red and I haven’t stopped laughing to this day.
Update: Sauron is not afraid of hobbits. He was unaware that hobbits existed up until very recently. he literally did not have time to be afraid of them, they went from a 0 to 100 threat level in twenty seconds. There he was, minding his own business worrying about the usual Elves and Men when suddenly these kids are on his lawn and now he’s dead, like just;
What did— who–
did I just get one-shotted by an infant how is this occurring
Honestly I have to love this whole thought process that the Fellowship must have cultivated in Sauron, like…
“These children have found the Ring! But they’re taking it to the elves, of course. I will simply have to catch them on the way.”
“Well, the elves are still not to be trifled with, it seems. It looks as though they have a group of intrepid heroes, how cute! Wait, who’s leading them? Aw, hell.”
“OKAY! Olorin’s out of the way, and now I can finally kill them all and reclaim the- OH DAMMIT, IT’S IN LOTHLORIEN.”
“Well, okay. They’ve taken it onward. Curunir says one of the halflings is still carrying the ring, so he’s going to capture them and we’ll see how this develops. Thankfully Olorin’s still out of the picture and their little group just shattered into pieces, so that’s one less thing to worry about.”
“Aaaaaand Curunir shat the bed. Excellent. Trees, who would have thought? Okay, so we’re back to plan A: conquer Gondor, because if the Ring’s going to be anywhere, it’ll be there.”
“Wait, who’s on the– Isildur’s WHAT? Ohhhh. Ohohoho. Oh now everything makes sense. Isildur’s Heir is back, and he’s here being all prideful again. That’s fine. Really. I’ll just crush him and his kingdom, and then nobody can stop me!”
“WHAT? FUCKING WHAT? THEY SENT HIM BACK? Ugh, alright, alright, I’m cool, I’m fine. He’s still got that stupid wizard costume on, and I’m still stronger than he ever was. It’s not like he can come toe to toe with me, even if he does have an army behind him. This’ll be fine.”
“They’re… actually marching on the Black Gate? Sweet lord, I didn’t think they’d actually do it! This is perfect, everyone’s right here! Olorin, the human princeling, most of the remaining fighting forces of Men, all I have to do is kill them now and– Wait. Someone just put on the Ring. Someone just– That’s a halfling. They’re inside the mouNTAIN OH GOD NAZGUL GO GO G–”
…aaaaaand curtain.
you can laugh but that is literally what happened
This is the single best brief summary I have ever seen of the entire point of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Atlas May: You watched Twin Peaks to find out who killed Laura Palmer and were severely disappointed that it became a show about surrealism and coffee slurping FBI sweethearts.
Mitzi May: You have had it up to the rafters with all the men in your life and spend your evenings drinking alone listen to Lana Del Rey, Marina and the Diamonds, and/or Halsey.
Viktor Vasko: You had a sexual awakening when you saw the buff tigers from Zootopia and weep every night that you will never be held in the rippling arms of a feline lumberjack.
Mordecai Heller: You’re holding out for a Kylo Ren redemption arc and have reblogged a picture of Peridot and tagged it “me”.
Wick Sable: You are the most boring person in your friend group and have yet to accept that your only role is to sigh and pull your hair at the sight of their wacky antics.
Ivy Pepper: You are subscribed to at least one makeup tutorial YouTube channel, and your friends are always complimenting the clothes you either made yourself or bought at a thrift store.
Rocky Rickaby: You are a current or former theater kid who is still reeling with embarrassment over the the times you ruined your chances at romantic love by being an overbearing fuckup.
Calvin “Freckle” Murray: Your blog is full of memes about living with mental illness and using abstract gallows humor as a coping mechanism.
Edmund Church: You’ve eaten monopoly money before.
Lacy Hardt: You’re working in retail and hating every hellish moment of it.
Dorian “Zib” Zibowski: You either have an unyielding fetish for musicians, or are a musician with an unyielding fetish for yourself.
Nina McMurray: You reblog sexual posts telling people to love Jesus and to go to church.
Horatio Bruno: You have the comic where Alfred beats up Superman framed on your wall.
Dr. Quackenbrush: You have a McElroy level obsession with horses.
Captain Kehoe: You listen to nothing but Jimmy Buffet.
Dominic Drago: You romanced Nick Valentine in Fallout 4.
Mrs. Babka: You, without a hint of irony, cried when nobody came to eat PawPaw’s burgers.
Virgil: You know how the comic will end, and you know he’s a key player in the events to come.
Nicodeme Savoy: You fantasize about dating a country boy but are painfully aware that real country boys are belligerent idiots at best and racist homophobes at worst.
The Pig Farmers: You are a real country boy.
Serafine Savoy: You are part of witch tumblr and channel all your magical energies into destroying the gender binary and cursing Donald Trump.
The Arbogasts: When playing RPGs, you give up on the main quest and decide to raise a family and grow crops, only picking up a weapon to defend against bandits.
Asa Sweet: You are a contrarian that everybody dreads being around.
House Of Crows 