Some guy today mentioned he was in a band to me and I watched him get visibly uncomfortable when I didn’t ask him anything about it. He kept trying to bring the conversation around to his band and I wasn’t budging.
POWER MOVE: Complete and utter disinterest in men’s obsession with their own mediocrity
Why the fuck did someone have to make this about gender? How is this mediocre?? Why is it so important to forcefully gloss over someone’s musical hobby? Yeah, some people are invested in their interests – one of my coworkers won’t shut up about her essential oils side hustle but I’m not gonna be an asshole just so I can be proud of myself on Tumblr.com. Jesus Christ, conversations aren’t battlefields.
maybe that guy was really excited about the band thing. maybe he just wanted to tell someone about it. but you just had to go and be rude, huh.
y’all are dicks and this is why people dont wanna be friends with y’all
OP doesn’t have any idea of how awful it feels for someone to be happily talking about something they’re passionate about and then getting this kind of reaction.
Even if you don’t give a fuck about him and his band, for the sake of being a polite person like everyone should be, ask him a couple of things, say “that’s so cool!” “What do you think of [related topic]?” “How many years have you been playing your instrument?”
It literally costs $0.00 to be kind with other human beings.
And as someone who infodumps a whole lot and was told during all elementary school to stop talking because no one cared about my hobbies or interests, seeing that there’s still people like that makes my heart ache.
Fuckin’ this.
Unrelated to the person, but I’m in a band too, and I feel like I’m finally in a position that I can be proud of something I’ve done.
Being shot down for being proud of something is the worst kind of feeling, you ponce.
See… On the one hand, I understand not wanting to feel beholden to someone else’s experience and/or monopolization of a conversation. On the OTHER hand… if you hate it so god damned much, just idk, hermit yourself in your room or something because holy fucking SHIT.
You can’t want someone else to pay attention to every minute detail of what you’re into if you won’t extend the same courtesy.
I… get why someone might want to avoid letting some douchebag who thinks that “I’m in a band” is a good way to impress girls into fucking him, think that it’s working… but on the other hand. If that guy is NOT just trying to get in your pants by bragging about shit that’s… not all that impressive on its own (pretty much any jackoff can be “in a band” if they have a few friends who own a few musical instruments and are willing to, like, make the most nominal effort at “being in a band” together, musical skill is not actually a prerequisite, I’m not impressed until someone’s in a GOOD band)… if he’s trying to be social and talk about his hobbies to make a connection… then you’re just being a jerk for little benefit.
There’s a way to split the difference.
Guy mentions he’s in a band and kinda seems like he wants to direct conversation in that direction? Allow this. Keep it at a small-talk kind of level though, just… act like you’re interested in finding out more about him as a person in general, but like that interest isn’t intense, you’re just casually socializing. “So what instrument do you play then?” Let him talk about it. And watch how he does so. Hold back any ego-coddling, but be polite and friendly – just reserve some “I don’t know you well yet” distance. Don’t be dismissive and condescending, but avoid behavior that might be likely to read as flirty (yes, this can be a tricky balance to maintain, it’s ok if it’s not perfect, just keep that goal in mind). Keep the conversation going like this until you’re ready to draw a conclusion about his motives, at which point you can adjust your style accordingly.
If he’s just trying to get in your pants, he’ll boast and brag and get more and more pushy when your responses don’t escalate as he’s hoping. When you just smile and nod and keep small-talking about the general topic. He’ll get agitated and frustrated and visibly annoyed to be stalling out at getting this interaction to move toward sex.
If you get colder as his flirt intensity increases, he’ll either give up or go in for the blunt attempt at getting your number or just asking you if you’re single, at which point you can shut him down as you desire.If he’s just wanting to talk about an intense personal interest, even small displays of willingness to let him talk about it will get him excited. Not sexually, just enthusiastically about the topic. He might monopolize the conversation, and might sometimes seem braggy a bit, but there’s a big difference in demeanor between a guy who’s just excited to get to talk about something he loves talking about vs. a guy whose main goal is getting you to fuck him. The enthusiastic infodumper guy won’t be put off by your lack of increasing enthusiasm for the topic, it’s enough for him that you’re not actively putting him down for his interests and occasionally giving him a go-ahead to keep talking about it.
I’d encourage you to be kind to this dude. He’s probably not had a lot of opportunity to talk about what he likes talking about and might just be lonely for social interaction. If you don’t have time or his infodumping is getting annoying, though, feel free to end the conversation along the lines of “ok it’s been fun but I have stuff I gotta do, thanks for chatting, bye!” That’s not a dick move.And if he’s motivated by a desire to actually connect with you on an interpersonal level rather than a purely sexual one (this doesn’t necessarily negate sexual interest, but whether or not this guy’s DTF, he’s at least not just seeing you as a potential fucktoy), he’ll make an active effort to engage you in the conversation. He’ll ask you questions, talk a bit about his hobbies and then encourage you to talk about yours.
This kind of person I’d generally attempt to establish a friendship with if there’s enough compatibility for that (infodumpers too, I actually personally find it nice to have friends who are willing to talk my ear off about their interests at just a little nudge. Sometimes I don’t wanna do a bunch of work to maintain a conversation and don’t have much of my own to talk about, and an infodumper who’s self-aware enough to understand that reciprocal listening to MY infodumpy rambles is A Good Friendship Thing can be an awesome friend!) If you don’t want to, that’s fine – just maintain the small-talk, casual-acquaintance kind of interaction indefinitely. Also not a dick move.(note that infodumpers may also want to get to know you, but they might be less skilled about how to manage a conversation. You can decide what kinds of friendship you want to cultivate and whether you find infodumpy kinds of interactions annoying or not. All I’d ask is don’t be a huge jerk to an infodumper type who just wants to talk about their hobbies and is excited to maybe get to do so, don’t shit on someone’s joy just because you’re not particularly interested in hearing about it.)
Maybe this is just my non neurotypicalness talking but I wouldn’t have gathered this guy was annoyingly flirting” from “this guy talked about his band.”
there is a subset of annoying douchebag dudes who try to flirt by making statements that they think make them look cool/sexually desirable. It’s often very transparent, but not always, and sometimes hard to distinguish from “someone talking about a thing they’re genuinely proud of about themselves”.
There are a lot of annoying ways that people can aggressively monopolize a conversation and a number of passive-aggressive ways to find satisfaction in shutting them down.
There is a great scene in the movie “The Trip” where Steeve Coogan is trapped in an explanation of canyon formation that I can’t seem to find on YouTube so I guess just watch the whole movie?
Between my own mental insecurities and hearing a ton of shit about how nobody wants a man to info-dump about his mediocre hobbies, I sort of got it in my head that of course the thing men should do, the thing progressive people wanted me to do, was be as small and quiet as possible, which would leave space for people to approach me when they were comfortable.
Turns out that doesn’t work.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m starting to believe that a lot of women genuinely don’t realize how little unsolicited attention men get.
You know what happens when I go to a party and wait for someone to talk to me? Nothing. Nothing happens.
As best I can tell, the way men learn to flirt is a process that goes:
- Realize that women aren’t going to initiate or escalate things that often, maybe never;
- Realize that your desire for romantic and sexual relationships is way bigger than your fear of failure;
- Throw anything at the wall to see what sticks;
- Be adroit enough at reading people to tell what is working and what isn’t.
It’s a sink or swim process.
Basically. And men tend to get pretty desperate after realizing that they didn’t have much success in high school, less in college, and then well after that where DO you go to meet women…??
I also completely understand the other side of this. DO NOT ever rip out a person’s headphones, smack them on the shoulder, or interrupt their reading. That’s a given. But, on the other hand… if you see someone getting a really GOOD looking coffee, is commenting on the supposed deliciousness of said coffee so terrible…? Particularly if not done with a “Oh god please I beg you notice me” desperation, OR the snobbish “drink it black, real coffee drinkers-” neg?
I mean, if you’re still the sort to rely on desperate men to give you free drinks all night while dancing so you don’t have to pay, and yet you laugh and turn them down at the end of the night after partaking in at least that much of a social contract; that free drinks for the night means at least enough interest to exchange numbers; well. In my opinion, polite disappointment is the absolute best case scenario.
And a guy TELLING YOU that he’s disappointed, and that you’d encouraged him and lead him on by continually accepting that social contract… is the nicest sort of way of telling you you’re a damn bitch.
House Of Crows 