inkskinned:

astriiformes:

in d&d, deer have 14 wisdom. a deer is just as wise as my ranger for whom i put his second-highest ability roll in wisdom and who uses wisdom to cast most of his spells. a deer is wiser than everyone in the friendship campaign party other than erwyn, who is tied with said deer. what the fuck

in the real life deer are about as smart as 4-year-olds. they have communication, planning, and cause-and-effect intelligence. we’re also selectively breeding for smarter and smarter deer – and recently deer have been observed teaching their young to watch for traffic. 

in my experience this makes deer just as wise as most frat boys.

other animals w/real-life “that’s higher than i expected” wisdom throws:

I’ve been whistling the same two note tune in repetition when approaching deer on my bike. They’ve started to recognize me and no longer try to pass in front of my bike or act like they’re going to charge me. 

Except for the dumb-ass yearling buck that caused my road rash a few months back.

pervocracy:

“I’m not attracted to X, so I won’t date them”: okay then, you go ahead and do that

“I’m not attracted to X, and I demand that people who are X hear and validate this statement and give me their official permission to not be attracted to them”: please no

“I’m not attracted to X, and I demand that the entire world hear and validate this statement and declare X objectively unattractive”: you can stop now

I’ve got a weird question: how do Americans kiss? I often see in fanfic person A running their tongue over person B’s teeth, gums or even the roof of the mouth. Like?? This isn’t how we French kiss where I live lol plus A and B often part their kiss in order to breathe. Don’t Americans breathe through their noses? I really don’t understand it and these doubts haunt me whenever I come across yet another romance fanfic written by an American

ao3tagoftheday:

preblematic:

ao3tagoftheday:

Ok, this is an absolutely fair question and the answer is that nobody in real life kisses like people in fanfic. Nobody “plunders their lover’s mouth”. Tongues do not “battle for dominance”. Two people kissing do not look like they’re trying to “eat each other alive”. I can’t explain to you exactly why fanfic (and writing generally for that matter) is so bad at describing kisses but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s that it’s difficult to make actual kissing as it is practiced by normal, non-slobbery human beings sound exciting:

“A’s mouth pressed against B’s gently, then more firmly. Their lips slid against each other as they both tilted their heads, slightly varying the pressure. B’s tongue made a brief appearance to brush against A’s lower lip, then receded. They parted momentarily, then pressed their lips together again, firm, then gentle. They continued in this vein until a) they had to stop because you can’t actually take off your clothes while your face is attached to someone else’s, b) they got bored, or c) they misjudged the angles and knocked their teeth together, which is a thing that never happens in fanfic, does absolutely happen in real life, and really fucking hurts.”

See what I mean?

have u ever considered that y’all are just……. boring kissers?

Counterpoint: I’d rather be boring than covered in drool

They’re better than what’s in most published romance novels… and they are written to create a mental image of what’s happening. Over the top is quite a bit better than boring in that case. 

Overblown passion is sort of the POINT of that type of writing.

alexisthenedd:

ladybessyboo:

copperbadge:

peradii:

digitaldiscipline:

doctorwithafryingpan:

dafterwho:

arctic-hands:

not-to-worry–fan-not-stalker:

kyraneko:

peradii:

We all know that Hoth was a simmering mess of hormones and stress and I would pay good money for a soap opera about them. Here are some things which Definitely Happened: 

  • There’s a betting pool going on who takes Luke’s virginity. The favourites are Han and Leia, but Wedge Antilles has pretty good odds, and there’s a small contingent of aliens who are convinced it will be Chewie (after all, who could resist that Wookie musk? Headcanon: most alien races consider humans soft and gross. Most alien races find Wookies absurdly attractive. Han Solo isn’t the ladykiller; Chewie is.)
  • Leia and Han scream at each other in every corner of the base. Everyone is desperate for them to fuck. They do not. The sexual tension is so thick that it could be cut into blocks and sold as wall insulation. More than once they are ‘accidentally’ locked in a supply cupboard in the vain hope that claustrophobia will act as the catalyst that enables their frustration to spark into true love – or at least nasty raunchy cupboard sex. It does not. All that happens is that the offender has legally changed their name to escape the Wrath of Organa. 
  • Someone paints a shirtless Han Solo on their X Wing. Leia is furious. Han is delighted: both at the highly flattering portrait (he has an eight-pack, he is shredded) and at Leia’s fury (you’re jealous princess/no I am not/you’re jealous, hey I can pose like that for you if you –). Hoth’s winter had nothing on the chilly silence that followed that suggestion. 
  • Luke and Leia both have very graphic dreams about Han Solo. Han Solo has very graphic dreams about the twins –  individually, together, he’s thirty fucking years old, why is his brain doing this to him.(Later on they will, individually, realise that due to Luke and Leia’s Force-bond they probably created a circle of Han Solo Sex Dreams: Leia had them, so Luke sensed her lust for Han which intensified his own lust for Han, which led to Luke having Han Solo sex dreams, which led to Leia lusting – and so on, and so on. For the sake of their sanity, they never share this revelation which each other.)
  • Luke is SO COLD. All the time. WHY DOES NO ONE APPRECIATE HOW COLD HE IS. He comes from a desert world. Of course he’s cold! What is all this white stuff? It was pretty for the first fve seconds but holy fucking Force it is so cold it burns and what the hell is going on with that? He bundles himself up in so many layers that he waddles rather than walks. Fearsome Last of the Jedi indeed.
  • Luke tapes a knife to a cleaning droid (disc-shaped things that swish around the base, sucking up dirt) and names it Stabby. Why, says Leia. Luke, the boy from Tatooine, shining and happy despite everything says why not. Why not indeed. Stabby is very fond of chasing Han. Han wants desperately to shoot the fucking thing– but then he sees big-eyed Luke and sharp-toothed Leia cooing over it and, well. A little bit of light stabbing is nothing, compared to those two smiling. 

STABBY THE SPACE ROOMBA!

I am torn between wanting Stabby to be grabbed and evacuated along with the Rebels and make it to the next base, and wanting Stabby to get Vader.

Compromise: shortly after losing the Millennium Falcon, Vader, storming through the Rebel base, is startled to feel a sudden jolt of pain from the artificial sensors on his left leg prosthetic: a sharp sensation on his ankle. Surprised, because he sensed no threat–is the limb malfunctioning?–he looks down, and there is a cleaning droid with a knife taped to it, a little painted-on Rebel lieutenant’s insignia, and the word STABBY written on it.

He stares down at it, completely and utterly taken aback for the first time in over a decade. Fearlessly, it chitters back at him, sounding very triumphant.

He picks it up.

Off in the fractal weirdness of hyperspace, Rebels on several ships are surprised to find an update on Stabby’s kill-update feed, and then thoroughly shocked at the accompanying image: the upward-pointing camera has captured an image of Darth Vader staring down at the droid.

It’s the fastest news ever to travel through the Rebel grapevine, the mix of triumph and loss that is, they are certain, Stabby’s heroic last stand.

Until a day later, when the thing updates again, this time showing an extremely confused Imperial officer. And another, and another, and another, day after day.

They cancel the funeral.

Vader hasn’t done much just for the fun of it in two decades. Watching Imperial officers swear and clutch their ankles as a cleaning drone with a knife taped to it, an Imperial emblem, lieutenant’s insignia, and the word STABBY painted on it, bumps into them and then chatters triumphantly, he’s figured he’s earned.

STABBY FIC!  STABBY STARWARS FIC!  YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY!

But do they send in a rescue unit to reclaim their most honorable POW?

no, the rebels are all too happy to have vader backing one of their most valuable psychological weapons.  stabby’s antics are invaluable for their ability to escalate tension within imperial ranks, and vader’s personal amusement means stabby will get to keep running his miniature interference mission for a long time to come

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS

STABBY LIVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Grand Moff Tarkin limps into Vader’s quarters. Again. “Lord Vader, enough of this.”

“I have altered the droid; pray I do not alter it any further.”

(If there’s one thing young Anakin Skywalker can appreciate, it’s a hot-rodded maintenance droid, c’mon.)

VADER PUTS A LIGHTSABRE ON STABBY

HE CALLS IT HIS APPRENTICE

MY SON WILL NOT TURN TO THE DARKSIDE BUT MY SON’S STABBY SON WILL

Stabby is eventually recovered and given a medal after the defeat of the Emperor, but his poor little chassis is too badly damaged by then to even hold onto the knife anymore. His internal mechanism is removed and upgraded, and then the Master Droid Tech charged with fixing him casts around for a new casing to put him in.

“Hey!” calls a teenaged Poe Dameron, walking into the Droid repair shop. “I got this decommissioned BB-8 chassis they said to bring in here. It needs a new owner. Captain said I can have it if I can find a new mechanism for it.”

The Master Droid Tech looks at Stabby, then at the BB-8 chassis, then back at Stabby. Stabby turns his unsheathed ocular sensor to Poe and beeps adoringly. (This is a common if relatively new reaction to Poe Dameron, who has just graduated from his Awkward Stage.)

“Yeah, I got one for you right here,” the Tech says, grinning. 

oops I slipped and podfic happened

(big thanks to @platinumvampyr for making the Stabby fanart!)

I would die for stabby

So uhh… if you think doing an actual honest-to-gods kink scene in a public parking lot; even at night; is just A-OK, I really don’t think you’re practicing “risk aware consensual kink.”

That’s risky as fuck, and with so much of what we do being actually honest-to-gods ILLEGAL… I sure as fuck wouldn’t trust your risk assessment. Especially not since you proudly claim you’re going to be looking for other ways and other locations to keep on doing the risky business of full-on take down scenes. with rope. that look like a kidnapping in progress.

There’s risk, and there’s blatant stupidity. And quite frankly… you’re being stupid as fuck.

lenyberry:

coreytasticc:

ruby-white-rabbit:

lydia-gastrell:

gingerly-writing:

Let’s be honest, this is all of us

You’re goddamned right. 

Pro tip. My dad emailed his story to himself whenever he worked on it. That way he would have date and time stamps if anyone tried to steal it and also so that if the computer crashed and it was erased, he had an accessable copy to go back to.

I had to look at this for five minutes to realise that it was BBC and noty the onion

Seriously, either email your story to yourself, or back it up on google drive. 

If your hard drive dies for any reason, it’s a LOT less hassle, stress, and expense to get your WIPs back if you have ‘em somewhere you can get to from any computer you can log in to google with, than if you have to hire a data recovery service (which isn’t cheap, but is often an option that can get at least some of your files back) and cross your fingers that your most important files aren’t also the most damaged and can be salvaged. 

karla-chans-bjds:

fluorescentnova:

We had to write a Mini Comic for my Illustration Class so I did mine based on The Frog and The Scorpion. Hopefully you all know the story! 

But if you don’t know the story… In the original the scorpion stings the frog in the middle of the river. When the frog asks “why” the scorpion says “it’s in my nature” and they both die. I like my ending more.

Done with watercolor and pen and ink nib.

I always thought this story was fucked up, even when I heard it as a very young child. I even got put in the naughty corner, and a star next to my name crossed off for questioning it.

This story is so much better, and I like it’s message much more.

lenyberry:

arctic-silence:

positive-memes:

Self improvement and ambition at any age should be celebrated

I knew there was something that bothered me about this post. It’s condescending as fuck.

this just in it’s condescending to say that trying to achieve a goal even if you’re either older than the usual age at which to do it or farther away from it than most of the other people in your immediate vicinity is an attempt to better oneself

this just in: if you’re not already a college grad with a degree or over the BMI’s “healthy” weight just throw in the towel and do whatever, don’t even try, because trying means you’re pandering to the majority or something.

jumpingjacktrash:

copperbadge:

I was thinking about Venom this morning before breakfast, like you do, and I keep coming back to how baffled I am that Venom, and apparently everyone else in Eddie’s life, thinks he’s a loser. 

I sort of get why, in a Hollywood way, they might. He’s in a bad situation for most of the movie outside of the fact that he has an alien up his ass. But Eddie was a successful journalist with a significant viewership, engaged to a lawyer, an attractive man with a nice house; he’s clearly intelligent and well-educated. And yes, he does a stupid thing and betrays his fiancee’s trust and gets her fired, and she (quite rightly) dumps him. And he ends up living in a shitty apartment without career prospects because a rich guy fucked him over, eating crap food, trying to hustle work, and giving money he can’t afford to people who have an even shittier situation than him. 

But the movie seems to equate poverty with loserdom, because Eddie is still the intelligent, educated, fundamentally decent person who believes in justice that he was before he fucked up. He’s just an intelligent, educated, fundamentally decent, justice-loving guy who fucked up once and now has no money. 

And I realized, Eddie isn’t a loser.

Eddie is a Millennial. 

#there is a certain equation of poverty and joblessness with loserdom that was embraced by some of gen-X#i think that may have influenced the idea of eddie as a loser

yeah, that is definitely a thing we did. we were getting called losers for being poor, and slackers for being disenfranchised, and we embraced it. we were like, “yes, we are losers, because we LOST. the world is a competition, and it’s not fair, and the big guys cheat, and so we lost. so what? what are you gonna do about it?”

we embraced those words as an antidote to shame. because we were being shamed for being victims of an unfair system, and we chose to say, no, we’re victims because you victimized us. we’re poor because you robbed us. we’re disenfranchised because you shut us out.

so i can absolutely see gen-x writers calling eddie a loser, because yeah, he lost. somebody wiped the floor with him. seeing a loser come back and win – or even find a better game – is really uplifting, in my book.